Cooking Devices Derived From The Inquisition.

Okay, okay. So I may have been skeptical of specialized panini presses. I mean, sure its tasty when I get a sammich with lines on it from Pannera and everyhting, but never really thought its was oh-so-special. I was wrong. Panini means "make more delicious" in Italian. Like "you want I should panini that roast beef sandwich?" The answer should always be yes. Especially in winter. Hot meals are better than non-hot ones. I'll just have to hum a happy song to keep the sandwich screams from keeping me up at night. Daily Placebo does not condone sandwich torture and we're not willing to admit that Panini pressing is sandwich torture. But it seems like it.

'Look Mom, I Can Cook' Edition.

So I went to this place called a "grocery store" and they had all kinds of things that one might use to make a "meal".  I think they were called "ingredients".  But don't quote me on that.  I'd actually gone to get items for a pasta salad, but ended up with a few more items.  When I got home I figured I had the makings for Dijon chicken over rosemary rice and roasted vegetables.

You want the recipe?  Well tough.  I don't use recipes; I throw things into cooking devices.  So you might try and replicate this by throwing two (completely frozen) boneless, skinless chicken breasts into a pan.  Pour on some mustard and olive oil toss it into an oven at 400 degrees and set a timer for 40 minutes.  Put a cup of rice and two cups of water in a pot to boil.  Throw in some rosemary.  When it boils reduce the heat and put a top on it for 20 minutes.  Do not lift the lid to 'check' on it.  The rice will be fine without you.

Now then, I really wanted to make some macaroni salad, so I started chopping up all the vegetables and whatnot, but realized I had way more than I could fit into the two biggest bowls I had.  So throw some chopped peppers and tomatoes into your chicken pan with about 25 minutes to go.  Swirl some olive oil on there and get back to your salad.  Mix the veggies and whatnot up in a bowl.  (or two)  I used regular mayo cause it was already open and it turns out the lite mayo-like substance I got actually has more sodium.  Screw that noise.  Maybe some black pepper, rosemary cause its already out, horseradish sauce to taste.  Yeah, this would probably be a little more delicious with some salt, but that's not the point, jackass.  

It tastes plently good as it is, so shut your tuna-macaroni-salad hole.  Slop the mess into gladware containers and bam!  Lunches for the week.  And, oh, look at that magic.  Your dinner is piping hot and ready to go.  Of course the best thing about cooking dinner is that I don't have to do it again for a few days, because I always make too much.Bonus kitchen tip:  Make sure you have something tasty like fudgesicles in stock if you insist on drinking milk from the carton without checking the expiration date.  Trust me.

Broadening Horizons.

Fried chicken with waffles, who knew so much joy could come from a breakfast. Honestly though, this may have been the best fried chicken ever served and the fact that it came riding on a bed of waffles only betters the experience. Say what you will but you just won't know until you've tried it.

Desert Dessert.

Round 2: Turns out the shell of this is white chocolate, not plastic.

Desert Dessert.

Round 1: I'ma eat 10 of these.

Now That's Creative.

You may have seen these pictures of the McDonald's pizza around the internets. Also, maybe not. I have to admit, I wouldn't have thought of that. But I gotta say, 2 cheeseburgers, a pack of fries, and chicken nuggets baked into a pizza is the least disturbing thing about this picture. What the heck is with the gun and large stabby-type knife there? Is it "i'm taking this picture, I'd better make sure my weapons are in it"? Maybe he thinks the hamburgler is gonna burst in at any minute and swipe his pizza. Or maybe this dude just doesn't have any place to set something down that's not next to two killing tools. I dunno, but I gotta go get something to eat; and bake it into something else to eat.

• And I'm Not Lying.

Just Squirt It Into My Mouth.

Yes, ez-cheese meets breakfast. I can't really begin to describe how disgusting I find this. Not the pancakes oozing out of a pressurized container part, but the absolute waste and laziness this product represents. If you can't crack an egg and pour some milk, you don't deserve pancakes. There's 8 pancakes in this conveniently disposable and landfilling container, as opposed to the about 300 servings found in a cardboard box of pancake mix. What's next, some kind of potted meat aerosol sausage machine? Please don't buy this. Go get some Eggos if you're too stupid/lazy to make pancakes from "scratch".

• Strange New Products: Pancakes from an Aerosol Can

*Note: Actually making pancakes from scratch isn't really that hard, and using a premade mix is even easier. If you need to squirt them out of a can, I'm not sure you're gonna be able to handle the arduous tasks of flipping them over, pouring syrup from a bottle, and putting them into your mouth with a fork.

It Only Makes Me Want You All The More.

Why is it that the most endangered animals are always the most useful \ delicious? This time we're on the useful side of things, so put away your exotic animal themed chef's hat. The Guatemalan beaded lizard is a venomous lizard that numbers in the sub 200 specimen range. Turns out that its venom is dy-no-mite for treating diabetes. Too bad everyone can't just carry around their own lizard and suck a little juice out of whatever hole lizard poison comes from.

• The Nature Conservancy in Guatemala - Protecting the Guatemalan Beaded Lizard

Alright, get that hat back out. I got to thinking, I've actually eaten very few of the worlds numerous types of animal. So few in fact that I could probably list them all right... now.


Animals I've eaten:
cow
chicken
pig
turkey
deer
lamb
duck
kangaroo
hot dog
various unexciting fishes (tuna, salmon, cod, white, blue, one, two)
lobster
crab
shrimp
other sea dwelling creatures that do not deserve to be mentioned

And I think that's just about it. If you can think of one I'm missing comment or email me and I'll add it. But now for the exciting part. What animals I'd like to have eaten.

Animals I would like to eat:
dolphin
kiwi
rabbit
bear
seal
starfish
manatee
hippopotamus
elephant
impala
tiger
peacock
penguin
komodo
dragon
porcupine
panda
bushbaby
more exciting fishes (angler, piranha, clown, shark)

• Experienced gastronoms take a look at the menu or today's specials and let me know what looks good.
• And for you novice carnivores, check out the "farm animals I'd like to eat" home edition. Print it out and keep it on the fridge to help you keep track of the deliciousness.

Kool As A Pickle.

I know a few things about pickles.  There's dill, sweet, and bread & butter.  They come in various size jars, cut in various ways, and I hear they start out as cucumbers.  I know they've got a lot of salt and I shouldn't eat too many.  I know that a big jug of pickle brine looks irresistibly delicious whether you're shit-drunk or just hung-over.  And that's about it.

That said I don't know if this is a good idea.  My very best common sense screams no, but I've never been one to shy away from odd food combinations.  So what the hell, if I find myself in Mississippi I'll probably try a Kool-aid Pickle.

• Kool-Aid Pickles - BuzzFeed

Take Your Floppy Shoes And Beat It.

This is awesome. A McDonald's is forced to close its doors because people don't want the disgusting offerings within. In Travistock, England there are just so many options for good food that the global food chain can't compete. If you can't take the heat, get out of the reheating area. This is just the beginning, I can feel it. All over the world people are going to start rising up, shrugging the shackles of grease pushers, and eating good local food.

• BBC NEWS | UK | England | Devon | Farmers 'force' McDonald's out

Table For Two.

Ouch. Talk about lonely. This company is making dinner companion DVD's for people who know they're going to be eating alone but want to pretend that they're not. I really can't imagine how sad this might be were it used in earnest. But I do think someone should get one and a portable DVD player to take to a nice restaurant by himself. Of course it'd be best of you could tape the hilarity yourself, but I'm not sure about the details.

• Dutch art company releases "dinner conversation" DVD for solo diners - Engadget