Don't Put Marbles In Your Nose.

Crap. I had big plans for tonight. Pull up a tub of mac-n-cheese pop in a terrible Jackie Chan movie and huff a can of compressed air from Memorex. But, no, they decided that maybe kids shouldn't be shooting air in their brains and have taken it upon themselves to solve the problem. So the new cans will have a decidedly nasty, bitter smell to them, despite receiving the same innocuous packaging.

I can see this splitting the little not-quite-druggies in three directions:
1) Finding real recreational drugs to do
2) Canned air roulette, where you pick from a selection of identical cans and hope it doesn't smell like vomit.
and 3) Reverting to the more primitive, lactose rife, abuse of whippits.

• Memorex adds scent to prevent kids from huffing its Air Dusters - Engadget

Boobie Booze.

I've never read a pregnancy book. I hear, though, that there are a few things you shouldn't do while pregnant. You know like, drinking, smoking and shopping cart escalator surfing. I'm just going to take for granted that people are going to abstain from that stuff; but you've still gotta watch what you do even after the kid pops. Cause aside from watching what you do, the kid is basically eating what you eat; if you go the sweater cow route. So you're still not really allowed to drink.

Although that's apparently harder for some moms than others, as evidenced by this product. Milkscreen is a litmus test for alcohol in breast milk. So you can throw back a couple shots and little Cleatus won't feel the effects in his breakfast nip. Alright, fine. But I can't help wondering if breastfeeding is actually better than just formula for a kiddo with a sauce monster mommy.

• A simple 2-minute test for the detection of alcohol in breast milk.

Too Bad We Didn't Have Assigned Seating When I Was In School.

Take your top off for a good seat in the dining hall? Brilliant! A school in Denmark is coming under fire for an annual competition where the girls strip it off for the teachers and students. Not because of the event itself, but apparently this year a couple of girls got carried away with baby oil and each other's chests. That's still not the trouble. 4 students filmed it on their cell phones and posted it on youtube. Uh-oh. Sorta, maybe, busted. The school administrator seems real cool about the whole thing. Basically he had a talk with everyone involved and its no big deal. They're still gonna do the event in the future, they just don't want it on the Internet. And as for the Oilers, they didn't even win cause no one wants to see a couple of 18-year-old Danish girls strip off their clothes and oil each other up.

Do you SEE how much cooler Europeans are than Americans? Imagine this happened at any school in the US and think of the onslaught from countless groups that take heinous and irreparable offense.

• Students' stage strip for teachers |Metro.co.uk (NSFYourMom)
  

Good Thing Video Games Weren't Realistic When I Was In School.

Another case of a school freaking out and then trying to come up with a legitimate reason for their actions.  A student made a map of his school for Counter-Strike.  The school called the cops and expelled him.

The police found nothing illegal in the student's bedroom, but confiscated five decorative swords in the search.  Sword ownership rights have been under heavy fire since they were determined to be the leading cause of death during the Siege of Acre in the third crusade.

Basically knee jerk reactions cause people are scared of everything these days.  Maybe this is just our way of sticking it to middle-east extremist terrorist groups.  You can't frighten us cause we're already more scared of ourselves than we'll ever be of you.  Or maybe we're slipping back into those good old days of witch-huntery where you'd better accuse someone else of not following the crowd blindly before they decide to dunk you underwater first. 

• Student expelled for high school Counter-Strike map | The Register

How Rude.

I just got a phone call.  "Hello." "Click."  WTF?  I hit the call history and look at the number.  It rings again in a couple seconds.  Same number.  By now I'm looking at the reverse phone number lookup results online.  York, PA huh?  "Hello." "I'm sorry, I have the wrong number. Click."  "..."  Alright, you dialed the wrong number, twice now, but you don't have to act like I have some kind of phone plague that can be transmitted through cell towers.  Chat me up a little, tell me an amusing story.  I feel like this could be an exercise to help ice breaking skills and general telephone cordiality.  Once a week hit ten numbers on the keypad and when the receiver lifts on the other end ask for someone.  Chances are he won't be there, but don't just hang up.  Fight that incredibly awkward feeling inside and have an amusing little exchange.  Make up a story about an escaped monkey or ask their preference as if they were settling a raging debate in your living room.  Come on folks, you can do better than "Click."

Send Grandma Up The River.

That means 'to jail', right? The new anti-gambling frenzy the US has taken lately is fairly bizarre. They're taking to jailing anyone even associated with online gambling. Well watch out cause they've got one high profile bar matron in custody for running a $50 superbowl pool. Yeah that's right, a 73 year old great-grandmother could face a year in the slammer for something that pretty much everyone in your office did. We've got to make an example out of her though, otherwise people might start thinking that gambling is reasonable.

• TechDirt: Operator Of World's Smallest Gambling Ring Faces Jailtime

Asleep Is The New Brown Bag.

Apparently some people take sleep walking to the next level; which is, of course, sleep copulating. Yes, these folk are dead asleep but their spouses can attest they are by no means tranquil. Subjects are often quite different in style and virtually no idea what happens while asleep. Wow, wake me when its over takes on all new meaning.

• the Register: What is Sexomnia?

TV Is Going To End Up A Prescription Drug In America.

A doctor's note is required before engaging in reading this post.  Alright, by now you've heard that the mechanic-on-mechanic snickers action has been pulled from the lineup.  Yeah, I didn't need to see that anyway, it gave me the jibbles. (here they come again)  But now an anti-suicide group is going after that commercial where the unemployed robot jumps off a bridge (even though it turns out it was only a dream).  Yeah, it makes fun of depressed people and falsely gives them hope that jumping off a bridge is the solution.  I mean, do you know how many people survive jumping off bridges?  Buildings are where its at.  And that commercial wasn't even original; it was just a larger scale ripoff of an Ikea commercial where the family gets a new lamp and the old one sits dejected on the curb.  I'm so tired of people being personally offended and making it a public issue.  Maybe you need to man up.  What's next, keep them from showing "Its a Wonderful Life" at Christmas?  Give me a break.

• Autoblog: Suicide Prevention Group Gets Panties in Twist

Holiday Warm-Feeling Funtime.

I'd hate to be remembered as an angry young man, so here's a little penance for all the virtual yelling I've done today. These sound like awesome parents.

I went to the credit union today to deposit my Christmas bonus. I waited my turn behind a boy who was about four years old. In one hand he held a wad of cash, and in the other he held his account information. His parents watched from the side of the lobby.

“Why, hello,” said the teller when she saw the boy. He walked purposely to the counter. She leaned over and looked down at him. “What can I do for you?” she asked.

“I need to make a deposit,” he said. He stood on tip-toes, reaching up with the money and the account information.

“You need a stool,” the teller said, laughing.

...continued on Get Rich Slowly...

• Get Rich Slowly » You’re Never Too Young to Save

I Don't Have Any Kids To Think About.

Uh-oh FCC looks like you're on shaky ground. Ever since that boobslip a while ago (still can't believe I missed that) the FCC has been imposing mystery fines on networks with taboo content. But rather than tell the offenders what is allowed and what is not there are a set of vague 'guidelines'. The effect is that once in a while a network will get a bill in the mail that says "you shouldn't have done that."

Well 3 judges yesterday questioned that practice as well as the root issue of "won't somebody please think of the children?" The FCC is often coerced into regulating content by "Family" groups who loathe inappropriate material and wish the government would shelter their kids. The court noted that the FCC (very rightly) has no jurisdiction over cable broadcasts where kids are much more likely to see the good stuff. The FCC and the government can't protect your shorties from dirty jokes, and if the best way you can think to monitor their activities is to have the government do it, you need to do some thinkin'.

Unless of course the kids are just an excuse and the real reason you're complaining to some magical authority is that you don't think anyone should be watching this stuff. Well too damn bad. This country affords certain freedoms. Movement, assembly, flag burnin and raunchy TV. Hell, its the reason why you're allowed to think that we should all be sheltered like your 5-year-old. But I disagree, so shut the fuck up.

• Techdirt: Court Not Buying FCC's Claims Over Indecency Fines

I'm Gonna Need That Shash Back.

Damn, I've gotta start paying attention to pageants. Miss whatever nearly had her title stripped after accusations of partying too hearty in New York. Really? She sounds cool. Hey, back off Donald, you're the ones who picked her in the first place. Its not her fault that you're a bad judge of character. And who's to say she's not doing your little show a favor? You know, scandals draw interest. I didn't see any of the contest in April, but I'm willing to bet that her answer to "what will you do as Miss USA?" didn't include making out with Miss Teen USA.

• BBC NEWS | Americas | US beauty queen to keep her title

The Safest Thing We Had To Play With Was Broken Glass.

Meet the newest addition to my RSS aggregator. Radar Magazine waltzed into my heart with this cynically nostalgic write up of the ten most (unintentionally) dangerous toys of all time. Sure you may have seen a list of dangerous toys before, but never one compiled with such tenacity and verve. I don't even know what verve is but its fun to say. Plus they've got some nice stats like: Jarts racked up 6,700 injuries and four deaths.

Features : Radar Online

We Love Animals

Critters can be useful or interesting or tasty.

First the spy sharks funded by DARPA (is there anything they can't do?) are just about ready. Professor Atema can control their direction through various stimulations. Now all we need to do is finish that 100kw laser and make it waterproof.

• Defense Tech: Video: Shark Spies Steered by "Squid Juice"

Second: Super Lions. Sounds great. Lets put lasers on their heads. These lions were stranded on an island with nothing to eat but buffalo. Now, I I'm not sure if you've seen a buffalo, or if you know what lions normally eat. But this is crazy. Rather than starving to death the lions have gotten bigger and stronger so they can take down bigger prey. They're apparently smarter too, tracking and predicting which water source the herd will travel to next.

• The superlions marooned on an island | the Daily Mail

Third, all you guys gotta eat less beef. Those cows are farting too much and its bad for the earth. I would stop too, but I just remembered I don't wanna.

• Treehugger: Cows and Climate Change

And lastly, how'd you like your holiday bonus in camel meat? How about fresh camel meat? The workers of Turkish Airlines did such a good job that they got to sacrifice a camel at work. Uh, ok. I'd rather have a check.

• Scotsman.com News - Latest News - Turkish Airlines workers sacrifice camel at airport

The Cops Are Coming, Eat Your Cigarette.

Holy crap. No smoking outside in Omaha. I know, my head is swirling with the implications. If I'm reading this right, you have to find a bar with a Keno license that doesn't serve food to get your fix. And here's the kicker, the police want people to call 911 if they see infractions.

"just like they would for any other crime they observe being committed."

Wow, there must be nothing going on in Omaha. I usually assume the cops have better things to do that give me a ticket for speeding on the beltway around here. But it turns out that the increased call volume has been "insignificant" which means one of three things:
1) Omaha has a monstrously overbuild emergency response service (which wasn't very likely and we didn't expect it)
2) People aren't smoking in restricted areas and are law abiding model individuals.
3) No one is calling the cops on smokers cause it seems silly to respond as if they'd just seen a car jacking or mugging.

• WorldNetDaily: See a smoker in Omaha? Dial 9-1-1