Friday, February 22, 2008

When I Grow Up...

When I grow up I want window blinds that open and close automatically on timers.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Deal Or No Deal?

The big boys are battling it out in the unlimited usage plan market. First Verizon dropped heir price to $99 a month and now At&t is matching it. Never mind of course that these are voice only plans. No you'll have to shell out extra to check your email, surf the web, or send SMSes. But who can blame them? I mean come on, there isn't a wireless provider in the world that can offer all those things at a reasonable price. What? Helio dropped the price of their Unlimited All-in plan to $99 like last month? All the calls you can make? All the data you can use? GPS applications? Sprint and Verizon network coverage. Shit, I'd better go sign up with them.

Friday, February 15, 2008

You've Got My Number.

Wow. You know when you're watching TV late at night and the guy selling the whatever-no-one-needs describes someone in your exact situation? That's kinda how I feel right now. Stuff White People Like is a blog about, guess what... stuff white people like. And since I'm a fairly white guy (ever seen me dance?) I find it very interesting how pegged they have me. I mean check this out:
If you are in a situation where a white person produces an empty
bottle, watch their actions. They will first say “where’s the
recycling?” If you say “we don’t recycle,” prepare for some awkwardness.
Yep. That's about it. What else? Expensive sandwiches? Well, I've been trying not to eat out for lunch as much... mostly cause every time I throw down like eight or nine bucks on a sandwich. Co-Ed Sports. Are sailing, Ultimate Frisbee and Curling Co-Ed? Yesh. Japan. I love Japan. Its so... safe. I also apologize at the drop of a hat. Etcetera, etcetera.

I don't like divorce, but I'm not old enough for that, I haven't seen Juno yet and I don't like Priuses because I believe the car industry can do better. But other than those...

Go ahead and read through a few. If you're a white person, or know some white people it should be pretty amusing. I haven't made it all the way through yet, but I'm willing to bet that "having their quirky preferences pointed out" is in there somewhere.
Also on the stereotyping but amusing front, there's the Nerd Handbook with "How to hack your Geek." I'm not sure I fully qualify cause I don't need to spend a day in the dark to acclimate from traveling and I kinda pride myself on versatility. But most of this is fairly enlightening as to the geek mind. Like the relevancy flags and defining systems with rules, man I love figuring out how things work. Anyway, if you finish reading about white people and still want more, its a pretty reliable write-up.

The War On Falling Stuff.

Tired of the war on terror? Yeah, I think everyone's middle east attention-span is about tapped out by now. But luckily the Bush administration has found a new fear-well to tap. Death from above! Well, I guess its not a new source, they just couldn't wait for that rogue meteor to come an kill us all. A satellite is out of control and plummeting towards the earth! But they've got a plan, so its okay. But it still might be dangerous. And so on and so on; its gonna be okay because we're in control of the situation but you should still be scared because you might die.

"An out-of-control, school-bus-size U.S. spy satellite ... begins its plunge to Earth"
That's bad.

"Been working on the missile modifications for the past three weeks."
That's good.

"The satellite is carrying a substantial amount of hydrazine, a hazardous rocket fuel."
That's bad?

"[The] missile will be fired as the satellite reenters the atmosphere and has a reasonably high opportunity for success.'"
That's good.

"An uncontrolled reentry on or about March 6"
That's bad.

"We cannot predict the entry impact area."
That's bad.

"More than half the pieces will burn up or land before making two
revolutions around Earth, and the rest will come down in weeks, maybe
a month, but it's a very finite period of time that we can manage."
That's good?

"It could leak gas and cause potentially fatal injury [across] an area
the size of about two football fields."
That's not so bad.

"In the history of the space age, there has not been a single human
being who has been harmed by man-made objects falling from space."
Oh, that's good.

"Similar to chlorine or to ammonia in that when you inhale it, it
affects your tissues in your lungs," adding: "It has the burning
sensation. If you stay very close to it and inhale a lot of it, it
could in fact be deadly."
That sounds terrible.

"Trying to reduce the danger to human beings [and Rogue satellites want to eat your babies.]"
Ah! Someone save me!


Just effing shoot it down and lets move on.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Its An EV, Not A Wraith.

Electric Vehicles in London are getting a little smack laid down in the congestion charge department. They used to enjoy an exemption when clogging the streets, but now will be grouped with the lowest emissions category instead of their own zero group. I can see plenty of people getting pissed off about this, especially if they just bought an EV to skirt the charge.

But oddly enough, I'm fine with it. Its a congestion charge, not an emissions charge. Sure, its aimed at reducing emissions in the long run, but its direct target is taking cars off the most congested roads. The very presence of congestion worsens everyone's fuel economy, so even though you're not belching C02 you're still contributing to the mess and producing second hand CO2. So while using an EV is a step in the right direction, its not biking or taking the tube.

(P.S. Your tailpipe will spew CO2 as long as we burn stuff to make power, no matter how far away from your car it is.)

Free Money.

In college I usually had at least one "free money" or "free goods and services" scam in the works at any given moment. I miss those days. And reading about these stories of found wealth make me want to take a vacation to Nicaragua or the post office. Keep reading, it'll make more sense.

First off is a town in Nicaragua that is rolling in dough despite the fact that unemployment is around 85%. What's their secret? Beach combing for bales of cocaine that traffickers jettison when chased by the Coast Guard. Apparently you can do pretty well for yourself by picking up packets on the beach and heading over to the local supermarket to cash in. Its like aluminum cans in Michigan except you can walk away with eighty grand.
This next one doesn't involve international travel or strolling on the beach. Not unless you consider dumpster diving a day at the beach. Sony BMG mails people CDs, which are normally paid for by subscribers. However, if a subscriber moves and can't be found BMG instructs the post office to simply throw the discs away rather than pay to ship them back. One postal worker noticed how many perfectly good CDs were going in the trash out back and decided to salvage what he could. He ended up making about $80,000 selling them to record stores before someone caught on.

Now he's in a heap of trouble, or so BMG thinks. They originally wanted to slap mail fraud charges on him, but someone must have told them that mail doesn't get put in dumpsters, trash does. And there's no such thing as trash fraud. So now they're throwing copyright violations and "lost opportunity" claims to see if any of that sticks. I'm not sure I buy the copyright part, but BMG probably did have some lost opportunity. Which TechDirt points out is like the deli suing the pizza joint for feeding people at lunch.

Got Buddy?

This is kinda sweet for me. One of the features on Helio is the buddy beacon. Its a service that uses the GPS receiver in the phone to push your location onto your friends' maps. Kinda a neat idea, but the big downside is that your friends have to have Helios to use the service. And since I can't convince any of you chumps to throw down, my map only has a marker for where I am making it sad and not very useful.

On to the sweet part. Helio sold the Buddy Beacon trademark to a company called uLocate a while ago, and they've just released a 2.0 version of the software. There are various changes but most importantly users of other services can use Buddy beacon on their phones too! Right now the site lists: Alltel, Helio, metroPCS, Sprint, and iPhone. On some phones this just involves pointing to a web page instead of installing the new app like on my phone. Which is why I assume they list iPhone as supported, but not At&t. You just need a good enough web browser to run the mobile page.

On the downside the buddy location symbols seem to be MIA in favor of a buddy circle. So you'll know which block your bud is on, not what part of the bar. I assume this is because most devices (*cough* iPhone) can't locate themselves that accurately and rather than list specious information, they just generalize it all. I think I'd like the option to display my little Helio icon on the map like I used to, and other people would have big ass circles. But maybe they're trying to keep everyone from knowing what kinda cocked-up device other people rock.

Obfustication aside, this is an exciting update that makes this service actually useful. Oh, and there's a Facebook app you can add too that I haven't checked out. But I assume it'll let you find friends that also have the service.


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Street View Club.

You're never gonna come and do this in DC are you? I'd hoped you were up for trying to cover important parts of major cities. I mean, how kickass are the street views in DC? You can't walk half a block without finding a memorial or statue or iconic building. But no, you seem to only be interested in cities where you can document a good segment of streets without getting abducted and waterboarded by the federal government. Its all part of the experience! Oh, hey, if we ever actually get that state voting rights deal we should replace "Taxation without representation" on our license plates with "I'll waterboard you motherf*&ker".

12 more cities added to the street view list, none of them useful to me.

* Albany and Schenectady, NY
* Boise, ID
* Juneau, AK
* Kansas City, MO (home of the railway station!)
* Manchester, NH
* Milwaukee, WI
* Research Triangle Park (Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill), NC
* San Antonio, TX
* Salt Lake City, UT

Not Photochopped?

My two year-old nephew has 6 inches and 10 lbs on this bodybuilder from India.

Stop Saying Upgrade.

Yup, I overheard people talking about more blackberry outages recently. People are so used to being piped into the tubes that when they're cut off for a few hours they go into shock. Maybe that's why the term crackberry has caught on so well. I'm not a RIM customer, but I have had a similar type experience with Helio. (you may note this is one of the few issues I've had with my Helio.) After a while on the phone I got through to a tech who told me that they were pushing an upgrade on the system and my service would be back up in a few hours. This is the same excuse RIM recently gave its addicts for the recent network failure.

Lookit, its not an upgrade if it makes stuff stop working during peak hours. I'd call that a pretty significant downgrade in fact, and if you can't figure out when I'm less likely to be using my phone you should try calling people at random times and gage how pissed-off they sound. (3-4 in the morning is prolly your sweet spot)

So we all assume you're not idiots and you're not really pushing upgrades in the middle of the day, you just don't want to admit you've had problems. That would make us question the reliability of your service. But would your customers rather hear that your service had an accidental outage, or that you took it down on purpose at an obviously inappropriate time? I've wager on the former, because at least then you'd strive not to let it happen again.

Finally, at the very least, if these are indeed intended outages, send me a text message or email, put a banner up on the website. Let me know its the whole network so I don't spend 25 minutes troubleshooting my device only to be told its an "upgrade".

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

If I Were On A Reality Show...

Uh, this hits a little close to home for my own curling Olympic plans. I mean, I started curling after the last Olympics and I've recently realized that my current rate of practice doesn't really put me on track to be a world class competitor in under four years. But curling 8 hours a day for 6 months with the same guys would really up the ante. Curling like its your job. Hopefully they're looking for guys that can stay on their feet and hit the broom, but who wouldn't be able to make it that far on their own. I'm excited by anything that's followed with "all expenses paid".

Crying Wolf In 2008.

What's the difference between a terrorist and an activist? Sounds like the setup to a killer joke, but I'd say the punchline is your perspective. Which is a huge let-down in the humor department. An online group has begun protesting the church of Scientology and the church has responded by calling them "cyber-terrorists". I feel like we should have more strict social rules about calling someone a terrorist. At some point you're just drawing on the mob mentality to rally folks to your cause, which isn't useful to anyone but the most selfish. Like when someone yells movie in a crowded firehouse.

My Apologies.

So I owe MD an apology. I railed them for not processing my e-file tax return fast enough. But it turns out that the direct deposit didn't process so they mailed me a check which was stuck inside one of my roommates embarrassing women's magazines. So you did an okay job speed wise, but I'd still have liked more than 70 bucks back.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Bandaged Up.

Lookin' good bitches.

Well... I'm Pissed Off.

Letter to the dude who smashed my window and stole my iPod:


Fuck You.

I'm sure it was totally worth the 3 seconds of "work" for you. You'll probably get 50 bucks for that thing on ebay. More, if you'd bothered to unplug the $80 FM transmitter instead of just ripping it from the car, leaving me with a cigarette lighter shaped piece of plastic and you with a dangling cable. (You're gonna need that charger too, cause the battery only lasts like 20 mins.) I didn't think it was worth stealing a three year old iPod, but you obviously did. Thanks for making me clean up broken glass from all the little crevasses of my seats and driving to work very late with my heat blasting. Oh and the $250+ replacement cost is nice too. Bonus, I can't get a new window till tomorrow so I'm doing no-rain dances every 5 minutes.

But hey, you didn't steal my $250 mountain hardware jacket in the passenger seat, or the $90 bluetooth headset, or my $110 curling broom. I'd have taken issue with any of those, but the iPod (though its served me well) isn't any great loss. I would kick you in the balls for breaking my window though. How about next time just leave me a note when you wanna steal virtually worthless shit from me and I'll leave it on the ground next to the car. No need to go all smashy-smashy with stuff I like.

I hope the cops catch you doing something mildly illegal and kick you in the balls for me. I don't want to see you in jail or anything. I just want your morning ruined and something you like smashed.

Sincerely,
Grey RSX owner on Quebec St.


Thursday, February 07, 2008

The Tax Race.

So I did my taxes last month just cause that's how I roll. I E-filed my Federal and Maryland returns, but my circumstances dictated that I hand calculate and mail in my DC return. No biggie, my taxes are pretty transparent and I can follow simple instructions. I just thought it would take them a little longer to open an envelope and review the information. A couple weeks later and who's the first pony to finish? That's right, the little bastard of a non-state DC direct deposited my refund first. So in addition to taxing me less and refunding me more, they also process paper requests faster than other entities can receive electronic mail. Rock on.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Don't Worry, You're Still Rockstars To Me.

Next up in the awesome lawyering department (this time the American
division) is the boys in charge of putting the screws to Take-Two and Rockstar games. (Who got busted because there was a way to hack into their GTA: San
Andreas code and bang your in-game girlfriend. Apparently everyone
was fine with the murder and whatnot, but polygon sex is
unacceptable.)
I find this especially stupefying because 1: it was
already rated Mature (you think rating it AO keeps it out of the hands of any more kids?) and 2: users had
to modify the game to get this scenario. If we're gonna allow
class-action suits based on user mods, I can think of quite a few folk who
should be sweating bullets.



Anyway, the decision is that everyone who bought the game (and still
has their RECEIPT) gets $35 back. If you don't have the proof (I guess
the game itself doesn't count) you get $5. Oh and the slicksters that
prosecuted get a million bucks. I seriously doubt 35 clams can
make you forget you saw CJ hitting the biscuit, but if you did its your
own damn fault.


I'm thinking of starting a movement for those unoffended by Rockstar's shenanigans. Hell, I'll pay you $5 for every hidden sex-themed mini-game you sneak into your next release.

Jan-u-riffic.

Yeah, I've got some work to do. But I'm gonna make an effort right now to get through all the things I marked DPworthy in January. Then maybe I can start getting to February's pile.

While technically from December (gulp, last year already?) I can't seem you junk this article about Corporate strategies for getting free solar arrays installed on top of their facilities. Basically you've got to find an investment company that will lay out for the installation and equipment (the prohibitive part of solar right now) and then essentially lock in a rate to pay for energy for the next 10 years. The investors have guaranteed a return and the consumer has green power now with no buy-in or rate hike. Of course as solar tech gets cheaper they might start wondering why they're paying a higher premium for old technology, but such is life when you invest in any tech.
I don't know why, but I assume guinea pigs have tiny bones that make them more trouble than they're worth.
Luckily, these guys aren't near any national borders cause repeated "accidental" invasions might get on your neighbor's nerves after a while. Also, I bet you could turf the crap out of someone's lawn with a 70 ton tank.
I first thought Canada was giving us a run for our money in the silly lawsuit department. Not since that old woman sued McDonald's over hot coffee have I seen something so seemingly crap-tastic. A drug addict has successfully sued her meth dealer for providing a substance that put her in a coma. Apparently he knew the substance was addictive and was only in it to make money. Wait. This is genius. Instead of trying to catch and jail the drug dealers, just have their clients sue them. That turns the old "make the drug trade unprofitable" tact on its head. Sure, you could sell $500 worth of smack to someone, but you'll just have a $50,000 lawsuit on your hands. Dammit, the Canadians have done it again.
TechDirt found a pretty cool site that helps connect business owners who are victims of protection rackets. Right now its a listing of those who defy the mob's intimidation, but they threw around a neat idea where members would compare protection 'rates'. It could be like shopping for car insurance online, and picking the best policy for the money. I just have one question: Does the mob cover water damage?
A while ago my brother sent me a link about double clutch transmissions. They seem pretty cool and now BMW is making them available to the masses. Well, the part of the masses who buy $65,000 German sports cars.
Sometimes a simple ad campaign is just what people need to explain complex concepts. F*&king Recycle seems to be just that.
Please, please, please... stop putting in speed bumps. You'll be my hero if you use chicanes as traffic calming measures instead. And my suspension will buy you a beer.
The joy of not being sold anything The economy is in the pooper and George is rushing a nice fat "please spend more money" check to an ass load of Americans. The only trouble is that I don't want to buy more stuff for the sake of consuming. I think I conversation I had with my house-mate sums up my pretty well. "I think we spend an appropriate amount on stupid shit". Part of it is the fiscal responsibility that, for some reason, runs deep in my veins. But I also feel a pang of guilt every time I open the trash can to throw away another piece of packaging. So even if I do get a sudden flood of disposable income I'm probably not gonna go buy an extra something I don't need.


SHENANIGANS!

Whoa! I dunno if you read that "Un-article" two posts down yet, but USA Today totally changed the link content 15 seconds after I posted it. You SOBs can't just change the content of permalinks whenever you want. People are trying to make fun of you over here. Luckily there's internet caching, or the whole effing world would be unaccountable and think I'm a super ass for not sympathizing with a poor duped high schooler. Come on, based on the original article, he sounds like a fib spinner. Admit it.
Player's recruiting tale turns into a mystery 02/06/08 - 08:05 AM It's unclear whether Kevin Hart was duped or staged a hoax himself. What is clear is that the 6-4, 305-pound offensive lineman from Fernley (Nev.) High School will not be signing with California today -- the first day of the national signing period for football players -- or any other major Division I program.

Hart held a news conference Friday at Fernley, saying he had chosen the Golden Bears over Oregon. He said he'd talked with Cal coach Jeff Tedford "a lot, and the fact that the head coach did most of the recruiting of me kind of gave me that real personal experience." "This guy apparently has no offers," said Bobby Burton, recruiting analyst for Rivals.com. "I've never run across a case like this. It ranks right up there." Hart is rated as a two-star prospect by Rivals, the lowest level of players the service ranks. His father declined to comment when reached by the Reno Gazette-Journal on Monday. "We have not been recruiting him," said California associate media relations director John Sudsbury, who cited NCAA rules that prevent him from commenting further about recruits. "That's all we can say."

An official from Oregon denied having contact with Hart. "We're kind of perplexed. We've not ever heard of the young man," said David Williford, assistant AD for media services. Hart also claimed to have recently taken a recruiting trip to Oklahoma State, but "he doesn't appear to be someone that we're recruiting," associate AD Kevin Klintworth said. The Lyon County School District, in which Fernley resides, issued a release Tuesday that said it has been unable to verify Hart was offered an athletic scholarship or letter of intent to play football at California, Oregon or Oklahoma State.

To see more of USAToday.com, or to subscribe, go to http://www.usatoday.com

Help?

What the hell is crimping?

Un-Article.

I know I'm just perpetuating this but oh well.

Some high schooler has lied about being recruited by not one, but two college football programs. Ok, no biggie. I bet that crap happens all the time. Hell, there was a kid named Lyin' Brian who lived on my hall freshman year who was "recruited" by the skins as a kicker. Mhmm... Okay Bri.

The only news story is how the hell he got, and continues to get, national press coverage of this non-event. "Sub-par high school football player not pursued by college football recruiter" Wow, stop the e-presses so we can tuck that nugget on page D-2.

And like I said, I know I'm only making it worse. But I can only hope to convey the goal of this post is to point out the irony of a second USA Today article about a kid who shouldn't have had the first one written to begin with.


Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Bush League Math.

Lets say that I took a look at my finances recently and I decided that I need to buy more beer, tennis shoes and Caribbean vacations. Like twice as much, and to make all that happen I'm going to stop buying toothpaste, bread and wood polish. Also, on an unrelated note I find that working 40 hours a week is cutting into my style so I'm gonna trim that back to around 29. I know that means less money for shoes and whatnot, but the shoe-buying agenda can't be stopped now anyway and I'll have a higher approval rating happier for a short while with more free time to drink and wear shoes. As a result, I'm gonna come up about $400 short every month which is no problem because I can just short the landlord a couple Benjamins or skim off the top of my kid's college fund. The rest will go onto a high interest credit card that I got in college.

What would you think? Would you put me in charge of 300 million people's care and protection? Maybe that just sounds extra crazy to me because I try to run a surplus monthly budget whereby I spend LESS than I make even after paying down the various debts I've incurred.

I'd like to introduce a bill to mandate that once a week for the rest of his term, a random American will be allowed to strike George Bush across the face with an open hand.