The One That Spammed Away.

Complement of the day,

Although you might be apprehensive about my email as we have not met
before,My name is Mr Song Li le I work with the Hang Seng Bank.I have a
business proposal in the tune of $19.5m to be transferred to an offshore
account with your assistance.

That is why I ask that we work together so as to have the sun transfered out of my bank into your account.

Note that all is well planned as we shall do this inline with all legal and banking requirements. All I need from you is your willingness, trust and commitment. Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall then share in the ratio of 70% for me, 30% for you.

Should you be interested please send me your,
1,Full names,
2,private phone number,
3,current residential address,

Finally after that I shall provide you with more details of this
operation.my email address is [Redacted]

Kind Regards,
Mr Song Lile.

Well, compliment of the day to you, sir. I hope the weather is treating you well and that you don't fall down any stairs today.

I really like how you start out by shining the spotlight on my obvious distrust of people I haven't met, but push right past into the meat of your argument. None of that "inheritance" or "unclaimed funds" crap. "There is money and you could have some" is all I need to know. But a 70/30 split? Come on! I've never been scammed for so little. At least meet me a 60/40 here. You're lucky I don't just take all 19 million and leave you for dead in Burma. (You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me.)

As far as I can tell the "business proposal" here is legally receiving funds. Are you sure we're not doing something just a tad illegal? That'd make it more exciting... But that doesn't matter anyway since I only accept business opportunities in the tune of "the itsy bitsy spider". Also, you must have a huge deposit box if you can fit the whole Sun in there.

Lastly, what the hell is up with the commas you're throwing everywhere in your numbered list? You keep that up and someone's bound to lose an eye.

I kindly away the answers to the above inquiries before I pack up my willingness, trust and commitment and send them to you like toddlers into a grizzly's mouth.

Mild salutations,
your mom

P.S. It really hurts your credibility when you hijack someone else's email account and request replies to another, even sketchier "yahoo.com.hk" address. (Hey, Brian K Rose at the University of Kentucky, this douchebag is sending spam with your name at the top. Just in case you care.)

My Bad.

Sorry, I was laying on the beach. That kinda stuff makes one forget about the drudgery of being witty on the internets. Anyway, I plomise[sic] to be more on the ball with your delicate needs from now until the next time I start not posting for weeks at a time. Deal?

Slogomatic.

This is pretty fun.  Think up your own slogans for America's #2 politician and all the font work is done for you.  Just be careful your parodies aren't too biting and sarcastic.  People may think you're for-serious.

• John Mccain is your new logo

'Look Mom, I Can Cook' Edition.

So I went to this place called a "grocery store" and they had all kinds of things that one might use to make a "meal".  I think they were called "ingredients".  But don't quote me on that.  I'd actually gone to get items for a pasta salad, but ended up with a few more items.  When I got home I figured I had the makings for Dijon chicken over rosemary rice and roasted vegetables.

You want the recipe?  Well tough.  I don't use recipes; I throw things into cooking devices.  So you might try and replicate this by throwing two (completely frozen) boneless, skinless chicken breasts into a pan.  Pour on some mustard and olive oil toss it into an oven at 400 degrees and set a timer for 40 minutes.  Put a cup of rice and two cups of water in a pot to boil.  Throw in some rosemary.  When it boils reduce the heat and put a top on it for 20 minutes.  Do not lift the lid to 'check' on it.  The rice will be fine without you.

Now then, I really wanted to make some macaroni salad, so I started chopping up all the vegetables and whatnot, but realized I had way more than I could fit into the two biggest bowls I had.  So throw some chopped peppers and tomatoes into your chicken pan with about 25 minutes to go.  Swirl some olive oil on there and get back to your salad.  Mix the veggies and whatnot up in a bowl.  (or two)  I used regular mayo cause it was already open and it turns out the lite mayo-like substance I got actually has more sodium.  Screw that noise.  Maybe some black pepper, rosemary cause its already out, horseradish sauce to taste.  Yeah, this would probably be a little more delicious with some salt, but that's not the point, jackass.  

It tastes plently good as it is, so shut your tuna-macaroni-salad hole.  Slop the mess into gladware containers and bam!  Lunches for the week.  And, oh, look at that magic.  Your dinner is piping hot and ready to go.  Of course the best thing about cooking dinner is that I don't have to do it again for a few days, because I always make too much.Bonus kitchen tip:  Make sure you have something tasty like fudgesicles in stock if you insist on drinking milk from the carton without checking the expiration date.  Trust me.

I Was Right.

Think back.  As far as you can remember.  To a time of darkness and desperation.  Yes, all the way back to 2005 in the days prior to the iPhone.  In today's 'I Was Right' we're examining Jon Rubinstein's ridiculous claim that convergence devices just wouldn't pan out and didn't offer any benefits.  A claim that I think we can all agree at this point was completely and utterly wrong.  So, Jon, I was right.

• Daily Placebo- September 2005
  
• Jon's Apple Insider interview

Back The Eff Up.

Okay, so this is another little PSA for some of the people I've seen out there who just kinda suck at life.  I know there are quite a few of you, so if I haven't made it around to addressing the particular aspect at which you suck, please bare with me.  I've got a lot on my plate.

Please excuse the crudity of this model, I didn't have time to build it to scale or to paint it.

So when you're driving a car you want to make sure that you've properly positioned yourself.  A common mistake is to rest your chin on the steering wheel as you adjust the seat, however this is not proper procedure.  Also note that, with your back against the seat, you should not be able to place both you hands and elbows on the steering wheel.

Note Shortround here.  Obviously too close to the steering wheel, as evidenced by the number of crates, boxes, rickshaws, and other items he smashes into on the way to the airport.  In fact when you crash (because with the way you drive it is an inevitability) you're gonna want to be as far away from that air bag as possible.  So please, get a phone book, tie blocks to your feet, whatever you have to do.  Remember... coordination and dexterity start with planning and preparation.  Now you know, and knowing is half of not being a jackass.

I Should've Played Slots.

I've written about Mint before.  Its a webapp that consolidates all your financial accounts into a one-stop portal.  Newly added to the system is the investment tracker what allows you to see how many thousands of dollars you're losing through no fault of your own.  Pretty nice, huh?  Above is the raw performance of one of my mutual funds with the dollar amounts removed.  But that's not all, you can also see how much money everyone else is losing compared to you.Here's my performance against the Dow Jones over 6 months.  You can see me squeezing out a little more than the average and then, BOOM!  In the tank just like everyone else.  So the take-home here is that you shouldn't worry about how much money you've lost, cause I can nearly guarantee there's someone else who's lost more.  Thanks Mint!

First Impressions.

So I just walked into the men's room to take care of some business.  There was a guy sitting in the first stall with the door wide open.  He had his pants all the way up and was sitting on the toilet backwards, facing the wall.  The very first thought that ran through my brain was "Dude, you've got this ALL wrong." 

But upon second inspection of the mental image I'd created at a glance, there were tools strewn around and he was obviously working on the jibber-jabber the toilet hooks up to.  But before that; how silly did he look?  Honestly!  I wanted to take a picture for you but figured he might not appreciate that too much and chase me down the hall with a huge-ass wrench.  Sorry.

Drunk Dialing Is So 2003.

I dunno if you're familiar with your "labs" tab in gmail (I'm assuming you have gmail because everyone who's anyone does) but there are some interesting little alpha customizations you can enable there.  Take, for example, this one I saw today.

Now, I know they don't exactly come out and say it, but this tool is obviously designed to keep you from belligerently drunk emailing inappropriate things to your less understanding friends / coworkers.  Just enter the days and times you're likely to be plastered and google's got your back.  Too bad I can also send gmails from my phone though...

Almost Too Smart.

So I'm an alumni of a prestigious institution.  How prestigious?  Very.  And one of the responsibilities of being an alumni of prestigious institutions is contributing to fund its programs; or at least dodging the undergrads who call and ask for contributions.

I got an email about a month ago saying that the annual phonathon was starting up again, and that it really does make the student's day to get an alumni contribution, I took immediate action.  I mean I could just hear the crestfall on the other side of the line when I declined to fund initiatives that are transforming my beloved Alma mater.  And no one wants to hear that.  So I looked up the phonathon number and saved it in my phone under "St Mary's phonathon- DON'T ANSWER!" and promptly forgot all about it.

Until recently when my phone rang and I looked to see who was calling...  Bam, no more depressed students, giving away perfectly good money, or talking on the phone.  Win-freaking-win.  So I guess you have to ask yourself, am I a bad man?  Or are you just jealous you didn't think of it first?

Looking Back

These are great.  And this one has a take-home message.
"don't elect an old dude for president.".

• Drunk History - Volume 4