Don't Talk Through My Show.

I just dropped 20 bucks to get in here so sit down, shut-up and turn your damn phone off. Remember back in the days when there were ushers wearing little red vests at the movies? Yeah, me neither. Theaters have had to streamline their work-flows just to squeeze out a profit. Basically that means you're going to buy your ticket at a touchscreen kiosk, wait 20 minutes in line for food with a 300% mark-up, and that there's no one to oversee unruly behavior during the show.

But don't worry, they're working on a fix. Select theaters are handing out remote controls to 'mature' audience members that will alert employees when attention is needed. Its kinda like an air marshal, except his gun shoots ushers instead of bullets. Now I'm all about throwing people out for talking on their phones, but I'm not sure if a teenager in a red vest is the right medium. I want it to be some thing public, something shaming. Something you want never to happen again. So I've come up with a few options:

1. The movie stops, a spotlight cuts through the pitch black from directly above the phone user and a parabolic mic pumps his conversation over the 7 channel surround sound.
2. Five men dressed as Storm Troopers charge into the room and escort the offender out at 'laser-point.' He is then taken to a separate room and forced to watch episode one.
   
3. A big claw descends from the ceiling grasping the offender by the head and drops him into a slot on the side of the auditorium. He shoots down a slide and ends up in a Chuck E Cheeze and gets left in the parking lot by the 8-year old who won him.
   
4. Pee-Wee Herman rushes in doing the secret word dance and screaming and then proceeds to do what he does in movie theaters.
   

• Techdirt: Ever Wished You Could Push A Button To Remove A Disruptive Movie Watcher?