I find it really amusing that some folks head over to the emissions testing place wondering if they'll pass or not. Its like they're middle school students who haven't learned the material but took their best shot at a scantron anyway. Fingers crossed, brow furrowed, nose squidged out to the side because they firmly believe that the harder they hope, the more chance of a favorable outcome. I didn't cross my fingers. I mean, just look at my car. How could it not pass? Also I've already passed a MD inspection and a DC inspection within the last year. I know, those should be good for two years, but I'm fine with going again. See, the testing place is literally a block and a half from my office (closer than the nearest gas station). So while I may have been able to dig through backlogs of paperwork that I don't really organize and file a protest, I think it was a better use of my time to just let them have a look at my car again.
It also amuses me that they don't really to the emissions tests any more. They just hook the car up to the computer and ask it if its been behaving. I was about to open the door when the attendant said "You can stay in the car. Just move your legs over a little." I looked at him, then down at my legs in the footwell and back at him. I replied "I think I'll hop out." See, my car isn't the kind of car you skootch over a little in. It holds you in the right spot for driving and there's little room for much else. So he proceeded to hook the cable up and I can't imagine how I would have contorted to remain in the car while he reached under the dash. Maybe some combination of hanging from the headrest with my legs out the sunroof... Wham, bam, thank you vehicle emissions inspection dude. That took all of 4 minutes.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Get Smarter Already.
Outlook should know when I've comprehended a message and mark it as read. So when those little popups convey the whole communication and I dart my eye to the corner of the screen to see that we are indeed playing Ultimate at lunch, there doesn't need to be an unread message in my inbox. Likewise, when I spend 45 minutes pouring over a poorly written request and still don't have a guess at the jist, it'll still be marked unread when I get back from my well deserved pitstop in mensroomland. Is this really too much to ask? Some may say yes. I say, shut up and do it.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Worldly.
It really surprises me how okay my financial institutions are with me buying 9 feet of margaritas in Mexico or withdrawing $120 from a cash machine in Panama. Seems like when I was a kid the flags would go off much more readily. Like buying gas during one of our biannual trips to Michigan. But now I can buy a bottle of Scotch in a gift shop 3,000 miles away and no one blinks. They just assess a reasonable ATM fee (96 cents versus pushing 5 bucks for a local off-bank transaction) or calculate how much I'm getting screwed on the exchange rate and go about their business. I guess maybe that's just the kind of profile I've generated through my past spending habits, but they must have some very sneaky algorithms crunching to allow some of the stuff I do. Either that or they're less vigilant than I think...
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Code BLUE!
Full... goram... throttle. All it takes is a broken hip or a heart attack or something like that. All I know is they called a code "blue" to some room and now we've got a rooster tail like a fricking preacock. They slammed the hammer down and we're making 27 knots towards the grand cayman islands. Balls out bitches.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
I had some time to think about it.
Yes... I do like Costa Rica. They've got the weather and the beaches and the forests and the trees and the aminals... Although walking around at night does kinda make you feel like you're probably in over your head. I be that goes away after a while though. Or maybe you just stop doing it. Either way, it all works out.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Yeah, I don't dance.
What the fuck is up with the cha-cha? its just moving your feet back and forth a few times and then moving on to the next thing. I mean, come on; its like the goram grapevine without the movement. If i wanted to shake my hips around i could eat ajax and segrams. I'm just be.saying... not that dancing isn't wonderful and evert8hing thought it could be. And more.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Barking Fastages.
As far as I can see old people are more poorly behaved and even more bound with a sense of entitlement than college students. Like seriously; like seriously, shut he feck up and wear your life jacket for half an hour or we'll all die. That's the trouble. You threaten a college student and they might believe that you'll kill them and their lives will stop. Threaten an old person and they basically dare you to kill them. They don't give a shite baout livin or dying, as long as they're comforatable. So I have to look around and seriously think about who's gonna live and who's not able to stand on the boat deck for fifteen goram m9nuiten. You all derserve to die in a horrible asxphixiation, but i hope to god i don't make it on the boat with you...
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Damn.
Well shit. Now I need a suit that flies. To be honest that movie kinda kicked my ass. I want to have Jon Favreau's babies.
Although I coulda used less of the prototype/ kidnapping portion and more flying around kicking random people's asses. The best part about Spiderman, Superman, Batman, (And now Iron Man. What? Too good for a one-word name?) isn't the epic battles with supervillians bent on world destruction/domination. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that mayhem too. But the ease with which these guys dispense with "normal" badguys is much more entertaining and serves to deliver a baseline of just how badass they are. I'm sure they'll put a nod to this concept in the sequel, but it won't be the same. Instead of "what the eff is that?" *wham* muggers will say "oh crap here comes Iron Man". (Though to be fair there was plenty of the military going "what the eff is that?") But that's about the only problem I can invent to have with this movie. Well, besides being pissed off that I can't have anything I just saw.
Although I coulda used less of the prototype/ kidnapping portion and more flying around kicking random people's asses. The best part about Spiderman, Superman, Batman, (And now Iron Man. What? Too good for a one-word name?) isn't the epic battles with supervillians bent on world destruction/domination. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that mayhem too. But the ease with which these guys dispense with "normal" badguys is much more entertaining and serves to deliver a baseline of just how badass they are. I'm sure they'll put a nod to this concept in the sequel, but it won't be the same. Instead of "what the eff is that?" *wham* muggers will say "oh crap here comes Iron Man". (Though to be fair there was plenty of the military going "what the eff is that?") But that's about the only problem I can invent to have with this movie. Well, besides being pissed off that I can't have anything I just saw.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Damn Slackers.
I can't believe we're having this conversation. Several officials at the FIA think one of the drivers is just too disheveled to be shown on camera. Now this is the racing organization with the Nazi orgy loving fetish, so you know if they're offended by someone's self-presentation it must be pretty gnarly.
Yeah, this dirty motherfucker. I'm gonna need an extra dollop of eye soap to was that extreme sketchery from my retinas.
Yeah, this dirty motherfucker. I'm gonna need an extra dollop of eye soap to was that extreme sketchery from my retinas.
"[To] millions of viewers and to many children worldwide he is a hero and role model...I know there is a level of personal freedom one is allowed but I feel he is taking this too far and someone should talk to him or his team about this."You've gotta nip these kinds of shenanigans in the bud. Otherwise he'll likely start wearing sunglasses or those shorts with the big pockets...
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Clippy-cide
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
The Good Spamaritan.
Dr. Mike Toni indeed. I know for a fact this is our dear friend, up-and-coming English language scholar, Spam Scam Sam. Oh, fine I'll call you Dr. Toni if that's what tickles your pickle. (even though we all know that no one in their right mind would spell Tony with an "i" and make it their last name.)
Ok, right off the bat I'd say you need to take some of those millions and buy a keyboard with a space bar that doesn't crap out every fourth press. (they've got this one with little LEDs and a micro controller on each key so you can switch to dvorak and not have to pry the buttons off with a pen.)
Next let me just say that you open superbly. Remind me about that multimillion dollar deal I had an opportunity to take part in and then slam the door, rubbing your new (and very successful) business partner in my face. I mean, the regret and jealousy about the one that got away... I want you back! If only there was some way I could change my ignorant past. Although, I have to say I'm not exactly sure what financing something to a "logical conclusion" means. Granted I'm not a Wall Street groupie, but I tend to think it means he was fleeced out of 5-15 thousand dollars.
Alright, next you lost me a little. I don't actually recall putting any effort into a transaction, but I've got my hand in so many Nigerian scams its hard to keep track of. So compensating me for that could be reasonable, but throwing me a bone for my "sincerity, courage and trustworthiness"? No goddamn way anyone with multiple millions of dollars got there by handing out free cash to sincere folks. Makes me think you're playing at my vanity and isn't really necessary, so lose it. You're appealing to my greed, lets keep it focused there.
Next, don't you think a one point four million dollars is a little excessive, especially considering I was unable to fulfill your request? Do I have some kind of incriminating evidence on you that you'd like me to forget? Cause honestly, you're gonna have to remind me about it; I have zero recollection of our past dealings. When plying someone's moneybone, you need to keep it reasonable. Tell me you're throwing fifty grand my way, just cause its lying around and you feel bad about all the legwork that lead nowhere. As soon as we're talking seven figures the reality alarm starts wailing in my head. There is no way in Zeus's butthole I'm getting a million dollar check for no work.
The secretary bit is good. I mean you want to separate the magnanimous donor from the boring paper work. Oh and you also need the check writer to be busy or unreachable so that when the check is a bit too much he's not the one asking for money back. Also, "comply" isn't a word that makes me feel warm and fuzzy, so maybe change it to correspond or something that connotates a little less jumping through hoops.
But all-in-all, Sam, a pretty solid gambit. A little different angle just to keep our relationship spicy, and I want you to know I appreciate it.
Dear Friend,
How are you today? [I] Hope all is well with you and your family?[declarative statement] I hope this mail [mail usually refers to physical post, in a case like this you might try email or message] meets you inaperfect condition. [Weak reference, am I in perfect condition or is the mail? Also two sentences starting with "I hope"?] You may not understand why this mail came to you. [Oh, I understand.] But if you do not remember me, you might have received an email from me inthe [space] past regarding a multi-million-dollar [multimillion is one word] business proposal which we neverconcluded.I [lotsa spaces] , am using this opportunity
to inform you that the multi-million-dollarbusiness [space] has been concluded with anotherperson [space] who financed it to a logical conclusion.
I thank you for you're [possessive; your] great effort [with regard] to our unfinished transfer of fund [plural] into your account due to one reason or the other [what?] best known to you.But [space] I want to inform you that I have successfully transferred the fund [plural] out ofthe [space] bank to my new partner's account in London that was capable of assisting mein [space] this great venture.
Due to your effort, sincerity, courage and trustworthiness you showed during the course of the transaction I want to compensate you and show my gratitude to you with the sum of $1,400,000.00.I [space] have left an international certified bank draft for you worth $1,400,000.00. cashable anywhere in the world.My [space] dear friend I will like you to contact my secretary: MR. DAN UZU, [That's not your secretary, that's a man, baby.] for the collection of this international certified bank draft. I have authorized him to release the international certified bank draft to you as soon as you contact him regarding this issue.
At the moment, I am very busy here because of the investment projects which myself and the new partnerarehav[e]ingat hand.PleaseIwill[would] like you to acceptthis [space] token with good faith as this is from the bottom of my heart. Also comply with MR. DAN UZU so that he will send the draft to you without any delay.
contact him on the below contact information:
CONTACT NAME: MR. DAN UZU
ADDRESS: {REDACTED}-Nigeria
EMAIL : {REDACTED}
Therefore, you should send him your full Name [capitalization] and telephone number/your
addresswhere [space] you want him to send the draft to you.
Thanks and God bless you and your family,[I]hope [space] to hear from you
soon.
DR.MIKE TONI[Y]
Ok, right off the bat I'd say you need to take some of those millions and buy a keyboard with a space bar that doesn't crap out every fourth press. (they've got this one with little LEDs and a micro controller on each key so you can switch to dvorak and not have to pry the buttons off with a pen.)
Next let me just say that you open superbly. Remind me about that multimillion dollar deal I had an opportunity to take part in and then slam the door, rubbing your new (and very successful) business partner in my face. I mean, the regret and jealousy about the one that got away... I want you back! If only there was some way I could change my ignorant past. Although, I have to say I'm not exactly sure what financing something to a "logical conclusion" means. Granted I'm not a Wall Street groupie, but I tend to think it means he was fleeced out of 5-15 thousand dollars.
Alright, next you lost me a little. I don't actually recall putting any effort into a transaction, but I've got my hand in so many Nigerian scams its hard to keep track of. So compensating me for that could be reasonable, but throwing me a bone for my "sincerity, courage and trustworthiness"? No goddamn way anyone with multiple millions of dollars got there by handing out free cash to sincere folks. Makes me think you're playing at my vanity and isn't really necessary, so lose it. You're appealing to my greed, lets keep it focused there.
Next, don't you think a one point four million dollars is a little excessive, especially considering I was unable to fulfill your request? Do I have some kind of incriminating evidence on you that you'd like me to forget? Cause honestly, you're gonna have to remind me about it; I have zero recollection of our past dealings. When plying someone's moneybone, you need to keep it reasonable. Tell me you're throwing fifty grand my way, just cause its lying around and you feel bad about all the legwork that lead nowhere. As soon as we're talking seven figures the reality alarm starts wailing in my head. There is no way in Zeus's butthole I'm getting a million dollar check for no work.
The secretary bit is good. I mean you want to separate the magnanimous donor from the boring paper work. Oh and you also need the check writer to be busy or unreachable so that when the check is a bit too much he's not the one asking for money back. Also, "comply" isn't a word that makes me feel warm and fuzzy, so maybe change it to correspond or something that connotates a little less jumping through hoops.
But all-in-all, Sam, a pretty solid gambit. A little different angle just to keep our relationship spicy, and I want you to know I appreciate it.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Iron Manacles.
Well, I heard that Iron Man was pretty darn good. Which I'm happy about, I don't think I could take another bad superhero movie. And it looks like it was good enough to draw people in despite the release of GTAIV, which I think is a silly proposition considering the cost and relative obscurity of systems. I mean, there are way more people with access to movie theatres than with access to a PS3 or Xbox360.
Regardless I didn't go see the movie, although I did want to, for another reason entirely. I had the time, and the cash, and the movies are like 3 blocks from my apartment. I can look up show times on my computer, my Tivo, and my phone. I read about Iron Man on Wikipedia last week so as to properly have a knowledge base on which to compare the film's interpretation. But then I got to thinking about all the hype and how pundits would be watching the opening weekend ticket sales and making conjectures and assumptions about the movie, the indusrty, the patrons, and me. Something about measuring the success of a movie in gross income over time rubs me the wrong way. Its more likely to measure the marketing campaign than the movie itself since the vast majority of people who go see a movie on opening weekend haven't seen it before and don't know if it sucks or not. So I abstained, no so much from the movie, but from being tabulated into the movie's foamy, pulsating, fiscal recoup orgy.
Regardless I didn't go see the movie, although I did want to, for another reason entirely. I had the time, and the cash, and the movies are like 3 blocks from my apartment. I can look up show times on my computer, my Tivo, and my phone. I read about Iron Man on Wikipedia last week so as to properly have a knowledge base on which to compare the film's interpretation. But then I got to thinking about all the hype and how pundits would be watching the opening weekend ticket sales and making conjectures and assumptions about the movie, the indusrty, the patrons, and me. Something about measuring the success of a movie in gross income over time rubs me the wrong way. Its more likely to measure the marketing campaign than the movie itself since the vast majority of people who go see a movie on opening weekend haven't seen it before and don't know if it sucks or not. So I abstained, no so much from the movie, but from being tabulated into the movie's foamy, pulsating, fiscal recoup orgy.
Man-Toys.
Lets face it, owning a super car in the US is like having an Irish Wolfhound in a New York Efficiency. The damn thing can't stretch its legs, let alone walk around without knocking over the stove and ripping up the couch. Luckily, some owners got a chance to take their cars for a walk recently. The cops closed down I-75 in Florida and the playboys got to exercise their right foot alongside a police escort. They maxed out at only 120 mph, but I'm sure it was still a lot of fun showing off and playing grab-ass in the parking lot.
I Learned It From Watching YOU!
Remember that swath of new bandwidth that's opening up for wireless transmission? Google and Verizon had a steel cage death match bidding billions of dollars for rights to it, and eventually Verizon took home the prize. (mostly because Google only wanted the space to be operated openly and the FCC mandated that if a certain bidding threshold was passed it would enforce open operation.)
Well now that Verizon has dragged its kill back to the lair, they think maybe that whole "fair and open" clause isn't something they want to do. So taking the Bush administration as a lead, they're plugging their ears, breaking the rules and basically telling the FCC to back peddle on their decision.
Google's not really happy, feeling like the little brother who isn't allowed into the tree house. And you shouldn't be happy either, because the Government sold your spectrum under rules that would most benefit us all. And now a money-grubbing bastard company is looking to change those rules to monopolize that asset and lock you into their crappy pay-per-pixel plans.
Well now that Verizon has dragged its kill back to the lair, they think maybe that whole "fair and open" clause isn't something they want to do. So taking the Bush administration as a lead, they're plugging their ears, breaking the rules and basically telling the FCC to back peddle on their decision.
Google's not really happy, feeling like the little brother who isn't allowed into the tree house. And you shouldn't be happy either, because the Government sold your spectrum under rules that would most benefit us all. And now a money-grubbing bastard company is looking to change those rules to monopolize that asset and lock you into their crappy pay-per-pixel plans.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Idiocy Pays Well.
Rowan Atkinson has a Veyron? Holy crap, I want to see that Mr Bean sketch.
{remove padlock from door}
"mumble mumble"
{starts car}
"grease lightning"
{wide eyes}
"mumble"
{spoiler raises}
"I like peas"
{car flies backwards into melon stand}
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Regions? We Don't Need No Stinking Regions.
Holy crap that was easy. Like seriously, I'm in awe at how easy that was. 7 buttons? I love you guys.
Seething.
You may think I have troubles keeping my temper sometimes, but this dude is angry.
Which makes me feel better about my own rage issues. Speaking of which, why in the world would you drive 15 mph past an accident on the opposite side of the highway? What you think we've all been waiting in line to gawk at someone else's misfortune? Never seen a fire engine before? Forgot we were on a bleeding highway and not the old timey car ride at Busch Gardens? There's no traffic in front of you, so put the goddamn hammer down and get your head back in the window. Or did you want to see if you can back traffic up all the way around the beltway until there are cars driving 10 mph in front of you? This lane is for drivers, and so is that one and that one...
Which makes me feel better about my own rage issues. Speaking of which, why in the world would you drive 15 mph past an accident on the opposite side of the highway? What you think we've all been waiting in line to gawk at someone else's misfortune? Never seen a fire engine before? Forgot we were on a bleeding highway and not the old timey car ride at Busch Gardens? There's no traffic in front of you, so put the goddamn hammer down and get your head back in the window. Or did you want to see if you can back traffic up all the way around the beltway until there are cars driving 10 mph in front of you? This lane is for drivers, and so is that one and that one...
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