Oh. Poop.

From Slashdot:

"Isaac Garcia from Central Desktop Blog writes, 'How much does Google pay *itself* to claim the top ad position for searches relevant to its own products? Google holds the top advertisement (Adword) slot for the following key words: intranet, spreadsheet, documents, calendar, word processor, email, video, instant messenger, blog, photo sharing, online groups, maps, start page, restaurants, dining, and books... ...if you are trying to advertise a product that is competitive to Google, then you'll never be able to receive the Top Ad Position, no matter how much money you bid and spend. How different is it than MSFT placing its products (Internet Explorer) in a premium marketing position (embedded in the OS)?'"

Crap. I think they're right. I don't really know how adwords work (who does) or how the rankings are determined but it does seem like Google may inflate their services to stay on top of other advertisements. Hang on let me go turn the advertisements on in FireFox...

Yeah, Google services turn up as sponsored links for all those searches. Sometimes with a competitor, sometimes alone. So now the question is if someone could out-bit Google for those spots. I'm thinking that they can't; but that's just a guess.

But its alright. I've got a work around. Just take away the "sponsored link" text and return it as a suggestion. Kinda like the answer to life the universe and everything or how you get a link to Google maps when you search for Phoenix, AZ. They're not sponsored and not part of the adwords system, they're just links to other Google services.

• Slashdot | Google's Silent Monopoly

Go Get A Dog.

Especially if you're in an area likely to be hit by a sudden heavy snowstorm. An elderly couple was trapped in a sudden storm out at a shack on their property. They'd been tending to injured birds when trees began to fall and snow blocked their return. Luckily their 160 lb German Shepard-Timber Wolf dug a 20 ft tunnel though the snow and forced them to crawl through.

How are the birds? Dead, imagine. But its good to see a neglected puppy grow up and make good. Next up for Shana, the E! True Hollywood story of her life.

Too Close To Home.

Relax It Just FEELS Like Your Skin Is Burning Off.

There have been a bunch of stories about the Air Force's new pain ray. Is it ethical? Is it safe? You know all those wimpy questions. Only Defense Tech has the balls to ask "Is it entertaining?" They've come up with the next great idea for American Reality TV. An obstacle course to complete and attention hungry stars running it while under the happy gaze of Mr microwave. And I also like the popular vote draft method they suggest. Although I have to say, after all the talk about this pain ray, I'm a little disappointed. Its just a big microwave without the oven. I thought we were talking about a way to stimulate just the pain receptors without actually causing damage (no matter how insignificant).

• Defense Tech: Drunks, Butts Test Pain Ray; Paris Hilton Next?

Stop Freaking Teasing Me.

So American Express runs this promotion every winter holiday season. Its called the wishlist, and basically consists of deeply discounted luxury merchandise in limited quantities. Like today its a 40 inch LCD TV and a blueray player for $1500. Very nice, but I'm not biting cause I have a big LCD TV and I'm not convinced that blueray will take. But next Monday they're selling three Porsche Caymans for five grand. Five grand... I can rummage that together. And I can sell my kidneys to make the insurance payments. But every year as thoughts of sugarplums dance through my head, Dee reminds me that I still have to pay the income tax on the MSRP that was discounted. Well, IRS, I can't pay you a third of fifty grand I didn't get. I can let you drive around in my car a third of the time. But you have to pitch in for gas.

Dammit American Express, why even tempt me with this crap?

Keeping Up With The Jetsons.

Now we're getting there. Everyone knows that things float in the future. And we can't use magnets because nothing's made of metal. So some Japanese scientists are working on a way to make fish float. Well, technically they can make tadpoles, insects and fish eggs float too, but I imagine its pretty much any small object. The technology uses sound waves to keep an object suspended for a sustained period. I imagine it'll be a while before we're floating people with it, but that's not why it was designed anyway. The researchers are looking for a way to house compounds that normally corrode their containers. So imagine any video game you've played where the magical floating orb of mystery junx is floating in a temple. We can do that. All we have to do is figure out how to extract essence of water.

• Chinese mad scientists levitate fish with sound - Engadget

I Live On Semantics.

Yeah, I'm probably not gonna sign up for this any time soon. A man in Paraguay was crucified in a demonstration to release someone or another. Like voluntarily. I thought it was just those crazy South Americans till I read a little more. Apparently lots of people have themselves crucified for various reasons. Nutbags.

Now I don't mean to split hairs, its just something that happens. But is it technically crucifiction if you don't die from it? I mean its defined as a type of execution where "The victim was tied or nailed to a large wooden cross and left to hang there until dead." Left until dead. So these demonstrators aren't actually being crucified, right? They're being nailed some wood for a while.

I'm sure its still very painful, its just not an execution. Can people self-immolate without dying? If you ask me calling the act and the near act the same thing cheapens their concepts.

• BBC NEWS | Americas | Paraguay man crucified in public

Don't Talk Through My Show.

I just dropped 20 bucks to get in here so sit down, shut-up and turn your damn phone off. Remember back in the days when there were ushers wearing little red vests at the movies? Yeah, me neither. Theaters have had to streamline their work-flows just to squeeze out a profit. Basically that means you're going to buy your ticket at a touchscreen kiosk, wait 20 minutes in line for food with a 300% mark-up, and that there's no one to oversee unruly behavior during the show.

But don't worry, they're working on a fix. Select theaters are handing out remote controls to 'mature' audience members that will alert employees when attention is needed. Its kinda like an air marshal, except his gun shoots ushers instead of bullets. Now I'm all about throwing people out for talking on their phones, but I'm not sure if a teenager in a red vest is the right medium. I want it to be some thing public, something shaming. Something you want never to happen again. So I've come up with a few options:

1. The movie stops, a spotlight cuts through the pitch black from directly above the phone user and a parabolic mic pumps his conversation over the 7 channel surround sound.
2. Five men dressed as Storm Troopers charge into the room and escort the offender out at 'laser-point.' He is then taken to a separate room and forced to watch episode one.
   
3. A big claw descends from the ceiling grasping the offender by the head and drops him into a slot on the side of the auditorium. He shoots down a slide and ends up in a Chuck E Cheeze and gets left in the parking lot by the 8-year old who won him.
   
4. Pee-Wee Herman rushes in doing the secret word dance and screaming and then proceeds to do what he does in movie theaters.
   

• Techdirt: Ever Wished You Could Push A Button To Remove A Disruptive Movie Watcher?

You Gotta Be Kidding Me.

Well social netoworking has hit a new low. Yes, the armies of friend gathering users have a new tool in convincing people that they really are popular. Courtesy of Fakeyourspace (and your monthly service fee) you can have hot models leave you messages on your profile page. Well, probably not hot models. Probably a bunch of nerds that have hot model pictures on their profile. (notice I'm not saying Myspace whores cause that's just not nice.) But it might be just the thing if you wanted to lure in some hot people to be your friends. Kinda like decoys when you're duck hunting. Pull 'em in with a little eye candy, then BAM, those lookers won't know that hit them, friends with a dork.

• Slashdot | Who Says Money Can't Buy Friends?

Happy Freaking World AIDS Day.

Will they hurry up and cure this junx already? They've been soaking up my limelight for 19 years now and I'm getting tired of it. I mean, the world news outlets should be leading their headlines with "Anonymous American Blogger Celebrates Birthday" But noooo... someone had the bright idea to choose today as a worldwide remembrance of the worst infectious disease we have. I did pick up a neat tidbit today though; this is the 25th year since the first case of AIDS was diagnosed. Nifty! And on the downside I just realized I've never lived in a world without AIDS. Great. Way to ruin my day guys.

• World AIDS Day: The Fight Turns 25, HIV Has Killed 25M, Infected 40M, Since First Case Was Identified - CBS News