Ugh.

The vending machine is out of coke.  I don't normally drink soda at work, but I'm working my way through a bag of peanuts I had in my trunk and I've really got a jones for something sweet.  So I figure they're always coming out with new innovations in the diet soda realm and I haven't had one in ages.  Desperation makes people do stupid things.  So I plunked in my 60 cents and hoped for the best.

Diet Coke is still putrid.  The peanuts are long gone, the open can has been sitting on my desk for about 3 hours now, and I'm about half way done with it.  I really don't know why people subject themselves to this kind of abuse.  (the vending machine stocks twice as much diet as regular)  I would much rather just drink water than force this swill down.  Ugh.  Well, mark it down, May 17th 2007 I tried Diet Coke.  Don't need to do that again for a while.  Maybe I'll schedule a tentative re-taste for late 2010.

Also: Did honey roasted peanuts used to have a lot more sugar all over them or is it just me?

Idea.

Ok, here it is the next brainstorm out of DPI.  A gas gauge for your dog.  No, not really a gas gauge, but an implant that would give you a reliable, and more importantly, wireless reading of how badly your dog has to pee.  That way when you come home and she starts spazzing out, you'll know if its genuine affection or urine induced hysteria.

I know this sounds lot like my "baby's thoughts" Machine Learning brainwave analyzer.  But this would be an implant measuring relative pressure, rather than a non-invasive analysis of you tater's nuro-electrical feedback.

And by the way, under my current understanding of copyright law, this documents these ideas as my intellectual property.  So back off.  I guess that's just one more reason for the decline in posted mail and the subsequent rise in rates.

Craftsmanship.

Road crew working on Rt 50 west just before the 495 interchange-

I have a new car. As a result I've been sensitive, maybe overly so, to all bumps and potholes that I hit as I drive. The stiffer suspension also doesn't help out much. So as I saw you handiwork coming up at 80 miles an hour I was bracing for a shock.

I'm pleased to say that your patch was flawless. Sure it looked like a big metal plate thrown in the road, but I honestly think that driving over your work was smoother than the highway itself. So good job road crew on Rt 50. Maybe you could tell the guys on Rt 29 what's up one of these days. They seem to think leaving 3 inch pipes and manholes sticking out of the blacktop are acceptable. If you know the guys I'm talking about, please let them know this is not the case.

Thank you and keep it up
~ Rt 50 Driver

How Rude.

I just got a phone call.  "Hello." "Click."  WTF?  I hit the call history and look at the number.  It rings again in a couple seconds.  Same number.  By now I'm looking at the reverse phone number lookup results online.  York, PA huh?  "Hello." "I'm sorry, I have the wrong number. Click."  "..."  Alright, you dialed the wrong number, twice now, but you don't have to act like I have some kind of phone plague that can be transmitted through cell towers.  Chat me up a little, tell me an amusing story.  I feel like this could be an exercise to help ice breaking skills and general telephone cordiality.  Once a week hit ten numbers on the keypad and when the receiver lifts on the other end ask for someone.  Chances are he won't be there, but don't just hang up.  Fight that incredibly awkward feeling inside and have an amusing little exchange.  Make up a story about an escaped monkey or ask their preference as if they were settling a raging debate in your living room.  Come on folks, you can do better than "Click."

Lady Killer Invasion.

Well, I saw my first ladybug of the year, folks. You know what that means. Its time to begin the vigil again and save the world from coccinellidae revolution. Sure you laugh now, but lets see you laugh when you have 7 ladybug assassins sent to dispatch you while you sleep.

And just cause I know you're wondering, yes it was very nerve wracking to get close enough to take this picture. I don't have a telephoto lens yet.

Snap.

Well, I pulled the trigger (or maybe I should say shutter release) on a new camera.  I've been thinking about it for a while now.  You may recall that I was debating buying a camera or a TV the year before I bought my TV.  Anyway, I did my taxes this week and decided it was time to get all up ons with a DSLR.  For those of you who don't know, that means 'fancy camera box'.  I went into the project thinking that I'd just spend my tax refund on it, but that's not gonna cut it.  Although it is cheaper than my TV was.  So far.  See, I went for the XTi kit which is the body with a 18-55mm lens included (so I don't have to shop around right away) for about a benjamin more.  All the reviews said it was an ok lens, worth about the hundred, but you get what you pay for.  So I will eventually want to get another lens, which at 300-500 for a reasonable one will boost me up beyond flat TV range.  But I figure I'll feel better about myself going out and taking pictures than sitting around watching movies.

Anyway, I hope to share a few nicer shots here once in a while, but don't worry, I'll still thrown down the angry diatribe now and then too.  It won't be a camera blag.  (Oh btw if you're lookin for a camera blag, DPS seems pretty cool.  I'm gonna look to do their weekly assignments if I can.  The first rule of photography club is 'don't talk about photography club')

Speaking of angry... I checked out my Picasa Web Albums the other day (clearing out space for all the great pictures I'm gonna have) and I noticed a new unlisted album called Daily Placebo.  It was a listing of all the images I'd uploaded to Blogger's servers since December.  There weren't an excessive amount cause I've been slacking a bit in the visual aid department, but there were about 50.  I did a little checking around and found this entry over at Blogger explaining what's up. They're commingling services so its easier to keep track of images you have hosted online.  Which is true, it was always tricky keeping track or managing uploaded content.  But I also see that they detract from the (granted, recently expanded) free space your account is allowed at Picasa Web.  And they're working to transfer all the images I've ever uploaded to Blogger into that account.  Whoa there boys.  I always liked that you could upload whatever to Blogger and have it hosted in perpetuity with no discernible limits.  I'm not really chomping at the bit to pay 25 bucks a year to host the trivial pictures that sometimes accompany posts on DP.  And I'm pretty afraid I'll fill up that 1 Gig of free space right quick.  I mean, I just bough a 2 Gig card and I think I may need another.

So I guess I'm not really angry, just surprised.  It would have been nice if they'd provided this as an opt-in kinda program.  I know that it'll take a while for 2k images to overtake my gig of free storage, but I'm a disk space scrooge.  ( Just picture me diving into a money vault of free disk space.  Oh man, I need to buy some Duck Tales)  I think its also a little off putting that I have three times the space for email as I do for pictures and I know for a fact I can shoot a gig of pictures in about three hours.

Things Should Work.

Well, Casino Royale came out on DVD yesterday. Its not so much a question of whether I'll get it, but how soon I'll get it. So I was about to watch it last night and I popped it into the DVD player. Nothing happened. Weird. I took it out and put it back in. Nothing. Did I buy the blueray version somehow? No... I try the special features disc and it works. I put the feature disc back in and again, nothing. Now At this point I'm pretty sure that I got a bum disc and I'll have to go back to the store to get a new one. Which also means that I won't be watching it now and I was kinda excited cause I don't remember everything that happened when I saw it in the theatre.

But I have access to a few other DVD players, so I pop it into my computer and it starts up a little flash intro that lets me click to visit the website or play the movie or some other option I don't really care about. Huh, so the disc is readable. I try to play the movie and Media Player comes back with an error about needing enhanced drivers for the device. And my thoughts immediately jump to DRM. Have they come up with a new scheme to disenfranchise actual paying customers? Is this a new rootkit that's gonna screw my computer to bejezus and back? Will I seriously not be able to watch this movie on my home theatre because movie executives assume I'm trying to steal a movie I've already bought?

All of these seem like reasonable assumptions as I head to the next DVD device in my line of sight, the good old PS2. He's set up with his own 19" tv behind my bedroom door and hardly gets any play anymore since that playboy of a Wii moved in. Pop it in. Loading... Loading... Loading... The PS2 didn't come equipped with the best DVD software invented so I imagine if it doesn't play in the normal DVD player its not likely here. But it does! The menu comes up and I pick a scene, the little black box dives right in! Huh, who woulda thunk it?

Back to the living room, I try it in the 1st DVD player again. Maybe the disc is warmed up now or something, I dunno. Same thing, it reads for way too long and then displays all 0's on the disc clock. The play, pause, stop, FF, RW and skip buttons all result in the annoying "this operation is not currently supported" symbol on screen. I'm a little pissed off, one or two stages from whacking the crap out of the DVD player. But before I proceed to that step of the device repair manual I decide to press every button on the thing. I start with the menu button. And it goes to the menu. What? You must be kidding. The disc just doesn't have an auto-run file? I just spend the last ten minutes inspecting the bottom of the disc and cursing the MPAA because you suck at designing DVDs? I've never, ever, ever seen this before and I've seen over 240 movies.

Well, lesson learned, if your disc doesn't work, press menu. Now you know. And knowing is half... good.

Watch This.

I haven't worn a watch since 2003. (And I sported one that summer only because I was traveling through various countries and didn't have access to a cell phone or computers but needed to be on time all the time.) This isn't because I tapped the secret lifeforce that flows through us all, or because I don't care about showing up on time. (I actually value being prompt, which makes my poor internal sense of time particularly ironic.) Its just that I don't need a watch to do it. I have three devices on my person right now that tell time. The title of this Slate article makes me think they have a little more insight but they pretty much just attribute the decline to prevalence of public displays and personal devices. Which is the educated guess I would have made too. They do have a bit of information on the downward slide of watches and the rise of wrist accessories.

"Newsweek Interactive advertising sales office revealed that fewer than half of these mostly young, urban, educated professionals were wearing watches. They don't need to. -- All of this is bad news for the watch industry—or at least for that sector of the watch industry that sells watches meant to be used to tell time, as opposed to watches that are meant to be worn as fashion accessories or as portable symbols of status and wealth."

• Slate: Why You Don't Need a Watch Anymore

I remember sitting in kindergarten while the teacher was showing the class how a clock worked. This was the first time I consciously decided not to learn something. I said to myself "I'm not paying attention to this." And I didn't. I don't know if I didn't think the content was important enough to warrant my attention, or if I had something better going on in the back of class, but as a result I didn't learn to tell time from an analog clock until the 10th grade. Well, let me revise that. I knew how to tell time, it just took me longer than it should have. Kinda like the difference between knowing how to multiply and memorizing your times tables.

So I had digital watches from around 6th grade till 10th, when I bought a watch off a kid named Marco in environmental science class for ten bucks. He had a binder full of watches. I paid with a check. It was pretty sweet with an analog display and a clear reverse panel so you could see the mechanism that automatically wound from natural wrist movements. So I forced myself into using that kind of display until the watch broke about 8 months later. I feel fine about it and hold no ill will to Marco or whatever source Marco had for these timepieces. I figure that investment surpassed my expectations at about week 3.

So I've never really worn a watch as a decoration. But maybe I should start, you know as a "portable status of wealth." And I know just the place, Bellum Watches. They scour every source they can think of to get classic old watches, refurbish and embellish them with hand engravings or whatever and sell them for god knows how much. Seriously, each one is a commissioned work, so there's no prices on the site. If a skull on the back of a Rolex doesn't say I've got cash, I don't know what will.

• Thrillist: Bellum Classic Watches

Kitchen Ambush.

You might know that I normally have nothing but good things to say about mayonnaise.  That is great stuff, and whoever thought of it first was a goddamn mad scientist.  That preface aside, let me say this: I was attacked by my mayonnaise.  You read that right, attacked suddenly and deliberately.  I believe I am now in a defacto state of war with mayo.

You know those big honking jars fit for some kind of luncheon or family reunion cookout?  Well, that's how I roll.  I was fixing a tuna sammich and consolidating white gold from the big jar into the smaller squeeze bottle.  (That is also how I roll.)  Anyway, I smacked the jar against the counter after scooping out a good amount and a dollop flew out of the jar, straight up a good foot and a half, and smacked me directly in the face.  Now, I don't know if you've ever had mayo in your eye (I'm gonna go ahead and assume you haven't) but there are several thoughts that pass through one's mind.  I like to call these "The Seven Stages of Having Mayo in Your Eye." 

1. Wonder - "What the hell just happened?  Do I have mayo in my eye?"
2. Pain - A sharp, stinging, pain that you might associate with a mustard or relish, rather than a delicious treat like this.
3. Panic - "What do I do?  How do you get mayo out of your eye?  Is there a procedure?  Should I call someone?"
4. Thickness assessment - At this point you'll try to guestimate exactly how much mayo went into your eye.  Its more than you think.  Partially because you wouldn't think you'd get mayo in your eye, but mostly because mayo always attacks in groups.  And blinking and moving your eye around will evenly distribute the dollop on your cornea.  This will alleviate most of the acute pain, but it'll create a makeshift cataract and you won't be able so see anything but light and color.
5. Wild splashing - You'll begin to understand that blinking and crying won't get this done.  So you whip the tap open full bore and proceed to splash water all over, mostly not actually in your eye.
   
6. Worry - Self remedy accomplished, you feel as much mayo as possible has been washed out.  But you still can't really see.  You may go find a mirror and examine the damage with your good eye.  (If you're lucky enough to be the victim of a monocular attack)  It will be god-awful red and your vision will be blurry, although not quite as cataract blurry as before.
   
7. Acceptance -  "Screw it, I'm gonna go eat that sammich I paid so dearly for."
   

Got that?  And just to help you remember I thunk up this handy mnemonic:
Why Pick Pansies or Tulips When Wildflowers Abound?

Clicky.

My new mouse just came in the mail today. Its pretty sweet, 8 buttons and a scroll wheel. Now I've just got to figure out what to do with them all... Also, I swear that web pages are loading faster. Is it at all possible that when you reward your computer it works better?

Are You A Change Guy?

I am not. That is, whenever I have change it either falls out of my pockets or goes into a drawer full of change at the end of the day. Now, granted I don't use cash very much so its not that big a problem, and I don't really mind having a drawer full of change. But I just bought my lunch with exact change and I kinda liked it. So I think I'm gonna make an effort to carry 99 cents around with me whenever I can. Course the bums will probably hear me coming from a block away but that's the price of being prepared. Just remember: 4,3,2,1.

4 pennies
3 quarters
2 nickles
1 dime

• All things Marked

Busy Busy.

Ok, I took care of some stuff and I have a whole list of things piled up to blag about. I bet you didn't hit up Daily Placebo Too in the absence of real posts did you? Well its on like a large ape rolling barrels down steel girders. So don't even bother now.

Dangle

"The game of skill and wits."

Summary:

Dangle is a game played with two to eight people using up to four frisbees and at minimum 6 bottled beers.

Minimum Requirements

• two people
• one disc
• six bottled beers
• open space at least 60 feet in length and 20 feet in width.

Recommended Requirements

• three or four people
• three or four discs
• 18 bottled beers
• groomed grass surface 80 feet long and 35 feet wide.

Glossary:

Areas

field- the loosely defined in-play area of the game; a reasonable proximity to the game.

ground- the surface of the earth or an extension of a structure or plant emerging from the earth.

side- one of two areas on the field where players stand, keep their stores, set the triforces, and execute their throws.

opposing side- the side that is currently being thrown to.

local side- the side that is currently making throws.

back plane- the plane defined as perpendicular to the ground and parallel to the front bottles which passes through the opposing rear triforce bottle.

front plane- the plane parallel to the back plane that passes through the local rear triforce bottle.

dmz- the area of the field between the front and back planes. This region's width is not specifically limited, although it need not be any larger than the arc a disc may take at a height of 6 feet from the ground and still return to the proximity of the opposing triforce.

Objects

disc- the Frisbee that the player introduces to the playing field during the current throw.

spent disc- a disc that has been removed from the field or has yet to be entered that half-round. Spent discs are not in play.

bottle- a glass (or plastic) beverage container

triforce- an equilateral triangle "pointing" towards the back of the field with its flat end facing the opposing side.

triforce bottle- one of the three bottles that make up the triforce of each side of the field.

store- the collection of empty and full bottles that are not in play and are in a storage device.

beer- a bottle that was opened by a player on the opposing side and has not yet been returned empty to the store.

stone- a disc or bottle that has come to rest in front of or intersecting the opposing back plane.

Durations

throw- an opportunity for a player to place a disc in play.

turn- the sum of one player's throws in that round.

half-round- all the players' turns on one side.

round- the two half rounds during which each player has had one turn. This process returns the Frisbees to their starting orientation, after which the players may rotate positions if it is necessary in the playing configuration.

end- a set of 10 rounds.

game- the sum of the ends played.

Pre-game:

Make 6 empty beer bottles. Warm-up rounds may be played with as many bottles as available, dividing the bottles evenly by placing the greater number on the side occupied by the least number of players.

Set-up:

Empty beer bottles are spaced a goodly distance apart into 2 groups of 3. The bottles shall be placed in, as close as ground conditions allow, a triforce with side length no more than three disc diameters. The triforce is oriented with the point away from the dmz.

Game-play:

The players will take turns one at a time throwing discs at the opposing bottles. Players throw from behind the front plane of the local triforce. If a player knocks over a bottle it is scored immediately but left in place on the field as a stone until that player's turn has concluded. Opposing and local players should keep clear of the dmz during throws and may not interfere with discs in that area. After the turn all displaced bottles are returned to triforce orientation. Discs that come to rest behind the back plane may be cleared by the opposing side, however discs that do not clear the back plane are to be left in play as stones until the half round is over. There are 10 rounds in and end. The number of ends played is the same as the number of people playing.

Scoring:

Score is determined by the number and type of valid contacts made to bottles. Each player is responsible for his own score and shall keep a running tally in his head. Points are generated from the following types of contact:

• the disc or a stone touches the bottle (a dink)- 1 point
• the disc or a stone knocks the bottle over after contacting the ground - 2 points
• the disk knocks the bottle over without first contacting the ground - 4 points

Clarifications and Addenda:

• Beers are in play and hold the same value as triforce bottles.
• Bottles in a store are not in play.
• If a stone is placed into motion by the disc it may generate valid contacts with bottles.
• If more than one bottle is contacted by the disc or a valid stone all contacts are scored as normal and the result is multiplied by 2.
  

Reverse Anthropomorphism.

The cold water doesn't work in the bathroom.  It wasn't for as long as I've worked here.  You turn the knob but nothing happens.  So its scalding hot water or nothing.  I just realized that I look like a bear trying to catch salmon as I swipe at the water, trying to wash the soap off my hands without burning myself.

Minor Delays.

So I was on my way home last night at about 12:00 when I got on 95 south.  It was a cloverleaf interchange and I was zipping around the curve so I had enough speed to merge with traffic on the freeway.  I had my left blinker on and was going about 55 off the ramp when I heard a "woop woop" from behind me.  There was a cop with his lights on coming behind me, so I slowed down and didn't merge.  I let him go past and as I did I noticed three things.  1) there were two cops driving side by side  2) they were driving in two lanes each, so as to block 4 lanes of traffic. 3) they were going about 45.  So I fell in and proceeded in this little motorcade for about a mile before the cops crept to a stop.  Crap.  I've heard about this before but never seen it.  They closed the highway for some kind of construction.  The whole thing.  So I sat for 45 minutes while they took care of... well basically nothing I could see when I finally got to proceed. 

There were a couple interesting parts when some moron went cruising down one of the closed left lanes at about 40 right past the two cops with lights on.  The left cop few up and stopped him before he ran anyone over.  They had a little chat and reversed back to where every one else was waiting 200m up the road.  Then a couple impatient folks in minivans came creeping up the shoulder real stealth-like.  They inched in front of the semi behind me, saw the cops and stopped just off my quarter-panel.  Which would have been fine, except for when the ambulance came down the shoulder and we all had to make room for the morons to clear the shoulder.  Hello?  That's what shoulders are for, not so you can cut in line.

But my real beef is with the location of this closure.  Why wouldn't you close the road at the last exit, so that people can get off the closed road?  Or maybe put a sign up about it, so I don't get on if I can think of a better way to go.  I was making a 15 minute trip that'd take 20 without using the highway.  Instead I spent and hour including my little camp-out on 95.    Never mind that 12:00 isn't really that late and there are plenty of cars on the road, just tell me the fecking road is closed so I can get off it!

As a side note, while I was looking for highway closure information (couldn't find this event listed) I found this page of traffic speeds in MD.  I find it amusing that the majority of the roads' traffic is "over 65" when 65 is the 'maximum' speed on non-urban highways in MD.  Kinda wish they'd list the actual stats so you can see if its 66 or 80.

Daily Placebo Metrics.

You know its time to clean out your car when you can see trash piled in the backseat from 3 floors up across the parking lot.

I know, I know, weak post. You expect some kinda insight from me about the iPhone or whatever other developments may have happened. Well rest assured that I'm a solid ESRI fanboy for at least two weeks after the conference and I don't give a crap about the not-actually world changing minutia that google may have pumped out.

What I would like to comment on is Helio. You know that awesome sounding phone company that was going to license spectrum and screw the man while providing me bad ass service and awesome tech. Well, I'm all set to hop on that band wagon; except for the huge deal they have with the myspace. I wouldn't have remembered, but someone tricked me on there just now an there was a big-ass banner pleading me to join the helio gang. And honestly I've got no problem with that other than the fact that they advertised on the myspace. I mean, can a associate with a company like that?

Uh, prolly not. But I'll be sure to keep you updated.

Rainy Day.

I feel kinda bad for all you suckas with anit-lock brakes out there. You don't know the fear, exhilaration and elation of trying to stop for a yellow light in the rain. You're trying to make it green, but despite your best efforts that amber hue blinks on, your foot eases off the gas and your brain makes a quick consultation.

"We're at the point of no return,
you'd better make a decision."

"Hmm, well I'd like to make the light,
but I don't like running red lights.
I guess I'd better stop."

"But now we're past the point of no return!"

"Well we can't go for it, we stopped accelerating."

"But look how close the light is!"

"Well maybe if you wouldn't say 'point of no return'
in full every time we'd have decided in time."

And you slam on the brakes. Well, as hard as you dare slam, cause you'll go flying right through that intersection if you start to skid.

Here's where the fear starts. Humans are amazingly good at calculus. You may not know this, but you're constantly observing rates and changing velocities, predicting the outcome. Well, you might suck at it, but I come out money a lot of the time. Lets give up the facade, this story is about me; no more 'you's. So I'm observing my deceleration and plotting my stopping location. And its not soon enough. I'm slowing down as fast as I can, playing the brake by milimeters, trying to get as much slowing power as I can out of my paper thin tires. Gotta... squeeze... a little... more...

Easy... Easy... Yeah, a little more. And the slower the car goes the easier it is to find the very edge of traction. Here's where the exhilaration kicks it up. Still not in good shape, but the odds are on making it now. Paying less attention to the pedal, there's a heart beating a little harder than normal. Oh yeah, that's adrenaline baby. And now that I'm not in immutable peril any more I can start to enjoy it.

You know what? I've got a couple feet to spare. Hot damn, I'm a badass. I'm the cheese. I'm an effing driver. The home-brew drugs are wearing off as I coast up to the line. After half a minute I'm joined by stragglers in their Volvos and BMWs. They don't have broad smiles of accomplishment slathered all over their faces. They've still got that hypnotized moron, staring at the carrot, commuter glaze. Yep, you're definitely missing out.

Everyone! Quick! Come See What I Did!

Ever blown your nose so profusely that the heft of the finished product viscerally impressed you. And then you got all sad when you realized that you could never ask someone else to hold it and share in your accomplishment? Yeah.

Happy Freaking World AIDS Day.

Will they hurry up and cure this junx already? They've been soaking up my limelight for 19 years now and I'm getting tired of it. I mean, the world news outlets should be leading their headlines with "Anonymous American Blogger Celebrates Birthday" But noooo... someone had the bright idea to choose today as a worldwide remembrance of the worst infectious disease we have. I did pick up a neat tidbit today though; this is the 25th year since the first case of AIDS was diagnosed. Nifty! And on the downside I just realized I've never lived in a world without AIDS. Great. Way to ruin my day guys.

• World AIDS Day: The Fight Turns 25, HIV Has Killed 25M, Infected 40M, Since First Case Was Identified - CBS News