Sweet Raptor-Riding-Jesus.

Just take a hott second to soak this in. [[hott second]] Now consider how many of your neighbors don't believe in evolution. And look back up at that diagram and tell me it doesn't scare you a little.

• Evolution Less Accepted in U.S. Than Other Western Countries, Study Finds

Of course that's crazy, the real whack-jobs we have to worry about will deny the existence of dinosaurs altogether. If they're willing to concede thunder lizards, they're open to conversations about facts and are reasonable people.

Just to be clear, I've got no issues with thoughts of a groovy old dude with a beard throwing down gracious love from a cloud. But if you're of the disposition to find creationism mutually exclusive with the refinement of genetics by natural selection as evidenced by fossil record and a variety of thriving organisms on our planet, then you might should head right on back to grade school for a do-over.

Science !?!

This last post has got me thinking what exactly a "Bengali Panther" might actually be. Maybe a crossbred Bengal tiger and a panther? Maybe a panther who's secured a passport from Bangladesh? In my dream is was pretty much a jet black tiger, with a wider face than I'd normally think a panther would have. Well, I did some looking around and there's apparently no such thing as a panther to begin with.

Some people may want to call cougars panthers. But they're wrong, cougars are cougars, mountain lions or, perhaps most correctly, pumas. Panthers are large black cats that want to eat your soul. (See visual aid.)

Below we have the various genera of the Felidae (kitty-cat) family including both sub-families, Pantherinae (roaring; mostly) and Felinae (adorable; mostly), listed as best I can in order of size. There's nothing on the list straight-up called a "panther". (besides one of the other names for a puma, which isn't even in the Pantherinae sub-family, so that can't be right. Of course I've also got a problem with the various types of leopards, lynx, and bunches of tiny cats that somehow weaseled their own genera onto the chart. Somebody needs to do some damn housekeeping.)

Animalia, Chordata, Mammlaia, Carnivora:

• Felidae
  
• Pantherinae
  
• Panthera- Tiger, Lion, Jaguar, Leopard
  
• Unica- Snow Leopard
  
• Neofelis- Clouded Leopard, Bornean Clouded Leopard
  
• Felinae
• Puma- Cougar(mountain lion, puma, panther), Jaguarundi
• Acinonyx- Cheetah
  
• Lynx- Eurasian Lynx, Bobcat, Canadian Lynx, Iberian Lynx
• Caracal- Caracal (persian lynx, african lynx)
• Leptailurus- Serval
• Profelis- African Golden Cat
• Pardofelis- Bay Cat (bornean cat, bornean red cat), Asian Golden Cat
• Catopuma- Marbled Cat
  
• Leopardus- Colocolo, Pantanal Cat, Pampas Cat, Geoffroy's Cat, Kodkod, Andean Mountain Cat, Ocelot, Oncilla, Margay
• Felis- Chinese Mountain cat, Jungle Cat, Pallas' Cat, Sand Cat, Black-footed Cat, wildcat, Domestic Cat,
  
• Prionailurus- Leopard Cat, Iriomote Cat, Flat-headed Cat, Rusty-spotted Cat, Fishing Cat
  

So what the hell is a panther, since a cougar is an unacceptable answer? Well, its complicated. Apparently a panther is a color variant of a jaguar, leopard, or cougar; but not a distinct species. Melanism is responsible in these black panthers for genetically darkening the typical patterns, which at closer inspection are still visible. Melanism is actually much more common in jaguars and leopards, and actually there has never been a documented case of a black cougar. (maybe that's why I think cougars can't be panthers.) The tendency appears to be environmentally selected, becoming more common in denser, darker parts of jungle.

• Wikipedia- Black Panther

But then there are also white panthers which can again be jaguars, leopards, or cougars. Again, white leopards are the more common type, although albino variations are more rare than melanistc ones. So a panther can be black or white, jaguar, leopard or cougar. Basically it narrows nothing down at all except that its a non-standard coloring. Crap.

• Wikipedia- White Panther

But, I digress. We've all, unfortunately, heard of white tigers. But somewhat less known, and controversially identified, are black tigers. These are usually thought not to be melanistic individuals, but either very large panthers or a cross breed tiger/panther. The sightings are diverse and unsubstantiated. (although more so than those of black pumas) So I'm gonna go with the hybrid tiger black leopard variety. Of course the instructions do not vary irregardless; try to wake up immediately.

• Wikipedia- Black Tiger

Anyway, maybe that was all common knowledge, but I'm pretty sure I thought that panthers were an actual classification, and I definitely didn't know about white panthers. Maybe I was snoozing during the big cat lesson in 2nd grade, but somehow I doubt it. Read about the other ways grade school failed me in the archives.

Asleep Is The New Brown Bag.

Apparently some people take sleep walking to the next level; which is, of course, sleep copulating. Yes, these folk are dead asleep but their spouses can attest they are by no means tranquil. Subjects are often quite different in style and virtually no idea what happens while asleep. Wow, wake me when its over takes on all new meaning.

• the Register: What is Sexomnia?

Yeah, I'll Get Right On That.

There's a post on Engadget about Uncle Milton Toys requesting them to discontinue the use of the trademarked phrase "Ant Farm." Really? You guys are the original Ant Farm creators? I guess I never really thought there was just one place this started, I mean kids putting bugs in jars is as old as the sun. And I had an actual ant farm when I was little. That was the worst bug prison ever, those mofos were all over my room. (and no, they didn't grow shit.) I just find it hard to believe that Uncle Milton is still keeping up the good fight to ward off the genericide of their brand. I mean, sure when you do a Google search Uncle Milton comes up as a related search term, but they're not directly among the results. And while I don't think I've ever heard of Uncle Milton, I definitely haven't heard of a formicarium, which is what an ant farm technically is. But hey, maybe they are the only ones making these things and the brand is so prolific that I just assume there must be competitive formicary suppliers out there. Basically I'm going to have to plead ignorant on this one, but I think I associate any glass box with ants inside with the term ant farm. I guess I could start using ant rodeo, or ant commune, or ant walden two. But I doubt I will.

And I like Engadget's response, basically "pfff... whatever." Cause they know that defending your mark is part of the process of fighting genericide. Wikipedia notes that: "One risk factor which may lead to genericide is the use of a trademark as a verb, noun, plural or possessive" So I'm thinking about working the term into my vernacular as a verb. You know, boxed in, contained, captive, existing to proliferate, having tunnel vision. Here are some examples I've thunk up:

I've been so ant farmed all week I haven't even had time to watch TV.
I'm gonna ant farm the crap outta her after we get married.
The next time that guy ant farms my car I'm gonna smash his window.

I think it works.

• I, for one, welcome our new ant farm overlords - Engadget

The Easiest Way To Stop Smoking.

Blunt head trauma. What if you just forgot that you ever smoked in the first place? Or that you had an addiction, a dog, or a family... Admittedly whacking people on the noggin isn't probably the best treatment, and the article starts off with stroke as the catalyst. But studies show that damaging parts of the brain can help people forget to be addicted to cigaretttes *poof* overnight. "The researchers found that damage to the insula – a brain region that promotes conscious feelings of hunger, pain and cravings – allowed some heavy smokers to quit with ease." Sounds great, a world with no hunger, no pain, no cigarettes. How do you give strokes to people on purpose?

• Brain damage can erase cigarette addiction - health - 25 January 2007 - New Scientist

Battle Of The Sexes: Recon.

I find all these scientific studies and medical explanations very amusing. I mean, we obviously have no idea what women are thinking, and just like in the Seinfeld bit we've got our best men working on it. And I'm not just saying its just the womens we don't get. We also need to look inside; open up in here, you'll find the biggest dating scene in the world.

We assume there's a rational process going on and that we can decode it like a problem with a defined solution. It's like one day I'll be able to calculate up all the variables involved in snagging a lady and it'll be as easy as chemistry. So study up boys, and you'll be a lady killer in no time. Right...

Women dress hotter when they're more fertile. Beware baby on brain syndrome.

Women agree with preferences of their piers when gaging attractiveness. Men hate guys that women like. Why can't we all just get along?

You always want what you don't have. Boobies are magical.

What's more dependable? Men prefer electronics over monogamous relationships.

Why I'm a sucka for a blue-eyed girl: So I'm sure I'm the baby daddy.

Guys have pretty much always liked a slender waist. Its not your fault, and its not modern culture. 36-24-36.

If she's too similar to you she'll get bored, even though you won't notice. DNA- dissimilarities attract.

More kids will kill parents earlier. Babies deadly, stop at 10.

You're Sposed To Suck At Golf.

This is a pretty interesting article about muscle memory. You know that the more you practice an action, the better you get at it, right? Well, kinda. You actually aren't performing the same motion, its close, but there are small variations. Our heads are packed full of analog transistors that suck at replication and precision. Animals are generalizers, built to adapt to a variety of situations, not repeat the exact same motions over and over. So maybe that's why sports linke golf are popular. If the golf swing was easily reproducble it wouldn't be challenging. And after all its all about overcoming adversity.

• New Scientist: Practice may not make perfect.

Bacon Wrapped In Tiger.

So who wants to guess what's going on here? No, that tiger isn't saving the piggies till snack time, they actually live together at a kind of freak-show zoo in Thailand. Incongruous species are kept in the same enclosure and, as in this case, sometimes raised by foster parents of another species. So don't think you can rummage through your closet to find those tiger print hotpants and jump into the tiger pit at your local zoo. You'd get taken down faster than a three legged zebra on the savanna.

• Urban Legends Reference Pages: Tiger and Piglets

Mom, I Need To Stop At The Liquor Store Before The Science Fair.

While we're talking about kids with bright futures, hop on over to The Nonist for some photoshoped (but hilarious) pictures of up and coming scientists. I mean "Ballooner of scrotums"? That's gold Jerry.

• The Nonist: The science fair

Isn't bunk bad? No something is bunk and then you debunk it.

Thanks, Wired Magazine, for clearing up all these common myths. And for streamlining the process by eliminating any kind of supporting evidence or facts. I hate how people are always trying to explain things to me, I mean isn't there some way I can just blindly believe whatever some un-credentialed person writes and puts in the internets? I mean, wow, I've wasted so many hours watching Myth Busters with all their tests, experiments and science.

• Wired 14.12: START, The Best: Science Fictions
  

Quicksand- You won't sink in over your head because 1) quicksand usually isn't that deep and 2) quicksand is more dense than a human body, so you'll float. That's not to say that quicksand isn't deadly. Exposure, starvation and rising water are all dangers.
Youtube- mythbusters: quicksand

Eye Strain - No, the emissions from TVs aren't really going to screw you up any more, and eye strain probably isn't the cause of physical degradation. But its still something to be avoided, unless you enjoy feeling like crap for no articular reason. But maybe your mom was worried about the vacuum tubes imploding and blinding you with glass shards.

Coriolis Effect - While drains and toilets are a mis-attribution of the Coriolis Effect because of their small scale, there are other mainstream examples of the principle these fabrications try to demonstrate. You know, like air travel, artillery, tornadoes, or Foucault's pendulum.

Lightning Rod - No, lightning probably didn't strike Franklin, but more interestingly he only undertook the experiment because he was impatient in this quest to test his lightning rod. Like a lot of great men he chose not to patent this invention.
Mythbusters: Franklin's kite

Terminal Velocity - Pennies don't have enough mass to get the velocity needed to kill someone. I believe Jamie and Adam shot each other with pennies at higher than terminal velocity and didn't even break skin.
Mythbusters: Penny Drop

Digestion - Another wives' tale, no one has ever died from swimming after eating. But hey, mom was always threatening disobedience with death, right. But as usual she's just looking out for your best interests. When you've finished eating blood rushes to your stomach to aid in digestion; but when you're exercising your muscles need blood. Its debatable but don't you think you'd feel better with your organs not competing for resources? Or maybe mom just wanted to spend a little more time with you. You selfish little piece of...
Snopes: Eating and Swimming

Cow Tipping - There are lots of variables to this phenomenon, but most investigators agree that cow tipping isn't physically possible as its usually described. A Canadian university study found the force needed to move a cow, short duration in which to apply it, and biology of human muscles make this task calculably impossible for one person. This doesn't discount the fact that cow tipping is attempted and hilarious. In fact, it probably wouldn't be so amusing if it worked.
Times Online: Cow-tipping Myth

Dark Side of The Moon - The Dark Side of The Moon is a Pink Floyd Album with virtually no other references to the Earth's Moon. The far side of the moon is something though, which is probably where the confusion comes from. The Moon's rotation makes one side permanently face us as the body revolves around the Earth. This phenomenon means that the moon does not face the sun with a constant side, and it does not have a permanent lunographic dark side. There is always a dark side though, the one not facing the sun.

Chewing Gum - Nope, chewing gum isn't digested because its not food. It just tastes that way. Its designed with polymers to resist digestion so that you can chew it for longer than food. So maybe its an adage about only eating food. The same way you're not supposed to eat quarters, but still manage to eliminate them if one slips by. Or perhaps its an estimation of how long stomach acid would take to break down rubber if it stuck around long enough.
Snopes: Eating Gum

We Love Animals

Critters can be useful or interesting or tasty.

First the spy sharks funded by DARPA (is there anything they can't do?) are just about ready. Professor Atema can control their direction through various stimulations. Now all we need to do is finish that 100kw laser and make it waterproof.

• Defense Tech: Video: Shark Spies Steered by "Squid Juice"

Second: Super Lions. Sounds great. Lets put lasers on their heads. These lions were stranded on an island with nothing to eat but buffalo. Now, I I'm not sure if you've seen a buffalo, or if you know what lions normally eat. But this is crazy. Rather than starving to death the lions have gotten bigger and stronger so they can take down bigger prey. They're apparently smarter too, tracking and predicting which water source the herd will travel to next.

• The superlions marooned on an island | the Daily Mail

Third, all you guys gotta eat less beef. Those cows are farting too much and its bad for the earth. I would stop too, but I just remembered I don't wanna.

• Treehugger: Cows and Climate Change

And lastly, how'd you like your holiday bonus in camel meat? How about fresh camel meat? The workers of Turkish Airlines did such a good job that they got to sacrifice a camel at work. Uh, ok. I'd rather have a check.

• Scotsman.com News - Latest News - Turkish Airlines workers sacrifice camel at airport

Mathematicians Claim To Solve Party Problem; Only Reveal That They Have No Idea What Happens At Parties.

Alright, fine, its just the article that mentions parties, the math guys are talking about cake. They claim to have a new and better way to divide something up. Basically you give everyone half of what they "value most" and continue to value and divide the cake in that fashion. I really hope I'm missing something

First off it relies on numerically quantifying desire, or I spose being able to prioritize your needs. Secondly, what happens if two parties want some mutually inclusive portion? Maybe someone likes to look at cakes cause they're pretty and I like the moist center. Does looking at half a cake still provide half the aesthetic appeal they originally desired?

Someone likes the flowers on top of the cake, while I value the entire cake (lets say for its roundness or weight) do they get half the flowers while I get half the cake? (everything they got and half a cake) And then we go on to divide the remaining flowerless half of the cake, right?

Or if some valuable attribute is intertwined with another? Sometimes its infeasible to separate real elements. I just want the butter from the cake and nothing else, that'll pretty much just ruin it for everyone else, if you could even find a way to appease me.

What if I wanted to be the only one with a flower because I wanted to feel special, or corner the flower market and sell my property at high value because of its small supply? Giving me half the flowers gives me zero bargaining position.

Finally this isn't actually a means for cutting the cake into the necessary portions, who's to say that their flowers won't have some of my frosting on them by mistake? If we could cut perfect pieces, then everyone would get an physical equal share. But we can't and this system is supposed to fix that problem by distributing pieces of varying content; but it doesn't propose any method for ensuring precision of allocation.

What if what I value most is screwing the other people out of their desires? (because it usually is)

Mostly, by the end of all this rigamarole, no one has any interest left in cake.

Alright, the cake is just a metaphor that I'm beating to death. This is supposed to be sued to divide anything up. How about I take the Solomon route and talk about a child custody hearing? Obviously we're not cutting up children; we could divide his time though. But what if a parent's motivation is to provide a stable environment, or to start a new life? Again half of what they want is not valuable to them.

The article mentions that this concept could be used in dividing land or water, but how can we expect this to apply when there are so many reasons it might fail? The premise might succeed when used on parallel concepts, but people can place value in so many things that you might never be comparing apples to apples.

• Solved: the perfect way to cut a cake - 06 November 2006 - New Scientist