Personal Inventory.

While I find most of the 'doddering old man doesn't know how many houses he has/ how to tie shoelaces' debate fairly amusing, this is an interesting point. Seven houses is obviously more houses than a ginormous majority of Americans (or world citizens for that matter) can claim amongst their assets; but what do you have seven of?

I have more than 7 DVDs. I have a 7.1 surround sound system. I have more than 7 (burned) CDs; although my CD changer holds one short of equaling McCain's realestate holdings. I have more than 7 pairs of underwear... but I seriously can't name anything of consequence (end table or higher) that I have more than 5 of. Golf clubs? (like the actual sticks, not country clubs)

I don't mean to suggest that having this kind of wealth makes John McCain unfit for the presidency. When's the last time we elected someone who's personal wealth was near the median for this country? But it does make me think twice when I hear stories about how John McCain is better able to identify with the working class Americans who are feeling the pinch of gas prices and a recession. Reducing taxes and then funneling money into pockets of private companies doesn't address the needs of "struggling" lower/middle class workers like tirmming excess/redundancy and supporting social boons like universal healthcare or alternate energy research would.

Bam; I've got one! I own 7 domains. And I'll pretty much guarantee that's more than John McCain has in his godaddy cart, that blog hatin, multi-mansioning, septuagenarian.

• McCain Has More Houses Than I Have... - Featured on BuzzFeed

Random Acts Of Marketing.

Names have been changed to implicate the innocent.

[ben affleck]'s new status message - prefers the black forest ham over the sausage and aged cheddar.

me: are those new gatorade flavors?

[ben affleck]: that sounds disgusting

me: you misspelled delicious
[ben affleck]: no they are starbucks breakfast sandwiches
hamtorade...

I'm not really sure why but thinking of walking down the Gatorade isle and seeing a bottle marked "Black Forest Ham" just tickles my funny bone in a special way. So much more than ham soda ever could. I think the new viral marketing could be actually producing limited runs of ridiculous flavors. Think about it.

Where's The Cheese?

Do not purchase Philadelphia cream cheese "Jammin' Swirls." You may say to yourself, standing in the cheese isle, "I like cream cheese, and I like fruit, so this is for me". Wrong. Don't be fooled by the image of fruit on the package, there are no blueberries within. And swirls? Ha! You want swirls, go look at a toilet. This is mostly a few pie pieces of cheese with some kind of blue flavored goop in between. The result is a fairly disgusting compote that you choke down because you paid four bucks for the privilege. I should be more skeptical of things that say "NEW!" on the box. I mean, "NEW!" isn't good. "NEW!" is untested; a maverick. "old." is way more exciting because its still on the market after all these years, so it must be good or people wouldn't buy it and no one would keep making it. Next time I'm at the shop, I'm gonna note how many products say "NEW!" on them and see if I can overpower the marketing cabal that's trained us to think newer is better.

Don't Put Marbles In Your Nose.

Crap. I had big plans for tonight. Pull up a tub of mac-n-cheese pop in a terrible Jackie Chan movie and huff a can of compressed air from Memorex. But, no, they decided that maybe kids shouldn't be shooting air in their brains and have taken it upon themselves to solve the problem. So the new cans will have a decidedly nasty, bitter smell to them, despite receiving the same innocuous packaging.

I can see this splitting the little not-quite-druggies in three directions:
1) Finding real recreational drugs to do
2) Canned air roulette, where you pick from a selection of identical cans and hope it doesn't smell like vomit.
and 3) Reverting to the more primitive, lactose rife, abuse of whippits.

• Memorex adds scent to prevent kids from huffing its Air Dusters - Engadget

Holy Shit.

Its finally happened.  I started getting a bad feeling when corporate sponsors started not just advertising at sporting events, but buying the naming rights, and the events themselves.  Soon companies were looking for opportunities to buy anything they could get their hands on and rename.

Well now even the government is apparently for sale; and not just the traditional back-room-lobbyist-for-sale we're used to.  20th century Fox has commissioned a special edition US quarter that is legal tender.  It has the Silver Surfer on the back and lists the Fantastic Four movie website.  You read that right, advertising on our money.  How perverse is that?

I like the Silver Surfer and everything, but this gives me the jibblies.  How long before I see the Exxon-Mobile Presidential motorcade or the Mountain Dew Supreme Court?

• Silver Surfer Quarters - Marvel.com news

Ugh.

The vending machine is out of coke.  I don't normally drink soda at work, but I'm working my way through a bag of peanuts I had in my trunk and I've really got a jones for something sweet.  So I figure they're always coming out with new innovations in the diet soda realm and I haven't had one in ages.  Desperation makes people do stupid things.  So I plunked in my 60 cents and hoped for the best.

Diet Coke is still putrid.  The peanuts are long gone, the open can has been sitting on my desk for about 3 hours now, and I'm about half way done with it.  I really don't know why people subject themselves to this kind of abuse.  (the vending machine stocks twice as much diet as regular)  I would much rather just drink water than force this swill down.  Ugh.  Well, mark it down, May 17th 2007 I tried Diet Coke.  Don't need to do that again for a while.  Maybe I'll schedule a tentative re-taste for late 2010.

Also: Did honey roasted peanuts used to have a lot more sugar all over them or is it just me?

The Lesser Of Two Money Grubbing Evils.

All this talk of 4 dollar gas makes me pissed off cause I'm pretty sure that its mostly going into some fat-cat's inner suit-vest pocket.  And yeah, there are arguments about how the price isn't really artificially inflated because of refinery closings and various other processing shortfalls.  But honestly, if they spent a little more money on the supply chain and less Benjamins lining the floor of their parakeet cages, maybe there wouldn't be a pinch at the pump.  Problem is that it actually helps their bottom line to neglect vital workings to a certain degree; so they can point the blame at some "unavoidable" circumstance, charge us more while doing less, and know for a fact that we'll keep consuming at the same rate.

But that's not what I want to talk about.  This article discusses Americans who have backed themselves into a lifestyle where driving isn't optional.  A 55 minute commute is shameful, and an SUV makes it painful, but even 4 bucks a gallon isn't enough to uproot an entrenched yuppy.  The commentary points out that American drivers just pay what they have to, and cut costs in other areas of the budget.  Walmart, for instance, is one place where we could consume less if we needed to.  And their earnings report shows that's exactly what is happening.

I do like that news, but the connection made me wonder, if Walmart started selling gas as a loss leader, would I hop on board?  I haven't even been to a Walmart in years and years, mostly because they're killing America with homogeneity and cheap crap.  But I also hate gas companies and anything that makes them sweat a little seems like a good thing.  So obviously I'm torn.  At what point would I be unable to resist the call of Wal-gas?  20 cents cheaper?  30 cents?  Luckily I don't think any plans are in the works for this, so its just an exercise in hate prioritization and Walmart can stay on the "dead to me" list.

• Zen and the art of dealing with high gas prices - Oil & Energy - MSNBC.com

Boobie Booze.

I've never read a pregnancy book. I hear, though, that there are a few things you shouldn't do while pregnant. You know like, drinking, smoking and shopping cart escalator surfing. I'm just going to take for granted that people are going to abstain from that stuff; but you've still gotta watch what you do even after the kid pops. Cause aside from watching what you do, the kid is basically eating what you eat; if you go the sweater cow route. So you're still not really allowed to drink.

Although that's apparently harder for some moms than others, as evidenced by this product. Milkscreen is a litmus test for alcohol in breast milk. So you can throw back a couple shots and little Cleatus won't feel the effects in his breakfast nip. Alright, fine. But I can't help wondering if breastfeeding is actually better than just formula for a kiddo with a sauce monster mommy.

• A simple 2-minute test for the detection of alcohol in breast milk.

Don't Buy Anything.

Here's the set-up: Guy goes to China, buys a bunch of terrible fake watches as souvenirs for family.  Customs confiscates them and later contacts him with a $55,300 fine based on the street value of real Rolexes.

Sounds rough, right?  Especially when you realize that these are terrible, terrible watches that no one would possibly mistake for a Rolex, and the fine is being levied because they "infringe" on the Rolex Trademark.  Secondly, why is the US government assessing this fine at the border, rather than letting Rolex take up the cause if they deem it worthwhile?  And third, why the hell is a consumer being fined for trademark infringement?  Shouldn't it be the manufacturer of vendor that pays the price.  Trademarks are meant to protect consumers from being tricked into believing an imitation product is authentic, not to confer ownership of the mark.  This guy wasn't selling the watches, so there is no consumer to "protect" except maybe the victim of this ridiculousness.

• Techdirt: That Fake Rolex You Buy In China May Cost You More Than The Real Thing

Just Call Me Lackluster, See What Happens.

New paradigms abound.  I know it really helps marketers to lump people into groups, but something about being classified makes me not want to buy shit.  If I know you want me to buy something and I get the slightest feeling you're up to something I'm audi.  Just be glad that I don't play it like Ronin and shoot up the place.  "Got the swag, kept the money, good show!"

Nonsense segways aside, they've decided to break up the "early adopter" tag (since technically a third of people are now, and we can't all be early adopters) into several sub groups.  A quarter of the third are now called "Lackluster Veterans," which I can only assume refers to the number of times I've been burned getting hopeful about some swanky new product.  Although to be fair, it is not I that is lackluster, its your crappy products that fail to impress.

I recently realized I'm in this group because I do read about new stuff, but I have absolutely no plans to get any of it and I'm often underwhelmed.  Why just this morning a friend asked me about the iPhone (somehow people assume I'll be getting one) :

Jeadly,
In your expert technical opinion, would you switch to ATT (Cingular) because of the iPhone?  Looks so appealing.  Bluetooth.  iTunes.  Bluetooth.  But I am a Verzion Wireless customer with 4 lines on a family plan.  Contract aside…  Thoughts?

no, i would not.  I would not pay for an iphone if they had it on verizon.

But is that because of iPhone or Verizon?  Like what are 1-3 reasons why?  I mean, I think I'd rather just have a phone and then an iPod with Bluetooth.  But…  yeah.  Looks so pretty.

Uh, I've been down on gadgets lately.  Especially gadgets they tell me will change my life.  They're not going to magically fill some void I never thought possible (unless maybe I go live in the desert for 6 years and come back amazed at the advancements they've made.)  I mean, look at the "innovations" they've got lined up: live streaming video (what's the point?  video was novel, but now they're all doing it cause they can, not cause they should) stupid rings for everything imaginable (i've just gotten rid of all my rings for individual people cause I never know what it sounds like and don't know its me ringing.)

I can't run itunes all the time on my computer cause it sucks up too many resources.  I don't buy from itunes music store cause I'm not willing to pay more for no DRM.  I've been leaving my ipod in my car lately, so i don't carry it around anyway.  And I've been listening to CDs in my car that i haven't heard for a while.  I don't use my bluetooth headphones anymore cause I just don't care enough.  I've also slowed down buying music on emusic, which is trouble cause I get 40 songs a month regardless.

I've also realized that phones seem cool when you get them and then always seem played out in a year or so cause they keep one-upping the current model, just wait till apple gets on that train, they freaking laid the track in that ploy.  If i cared about the phone i had I'd look into something like helio.  But when it comes down to it they're all too expensive.  250 bucks for a phone (more for an iphone, right?) and then a hundred bucks a month is unreasonable for my needs. 30 second - 2 minute conversations, occasional text messages and moderate Internet usage.

*Sigh*  Such an old man.  What happened to the young, innocent, uncynical me that got excited about mini-discs and rios and chocolate chip pancakes wrapped around sausage on a stick?

• Techdirt: Early Adopters Not All Thrilled About Technology

Put Some Effort Into It.

Oh man, the next time I can't think of what to get someone, I'm going to get them nothing.  I mean, sure, I've gotten people nothing before, but I didn't wrap it and give it to them.  What better way to say "I resent having to think of something to give you."  Of course TreeHugger does have a point about pointless packaging, except that in this case the packaging is the product.  This is about the only think I can think of that I actually hope people will re-gift.

• Not Excessive, But Gratuitous, Packaging (TreeHugger)

Why Don't You Just Tax My Ears?

This is so silly I don't know if I can explain it.

So there's a big hike in the works for Internet radio royalties.  Almost a 3x hike, that will surely drive a lot of stations off the air.  Some have proposed a solution of just not playing any RIAA music and settling the royalty fees with independent labels at a reasonable rate.  Seems reasonable, two parties doing business, providing services and products in exchange for payment.  Unfortunately it won't work because the RIAA created royalties collection agency, SoundExchange, somehow swindled a compulsory license out of the Copyright Office over all recorded music.  That means that they are entitled to collect royalties on all music played on Internet radio and the artists or labels they "represent" can pay to join the association to collect their cut.  What this means is that an entity that does not own the rights to property is collecting fees for performances, even if the owner doesn't want to, and then takes a cut before passing it on to its owner.  What if the artist never comes looking for their royalties?  Well, SoundExchange is entitled to all unclaimed fees.  Wow.  How the hell did this happen?  We're going to have to change the expression to "Death, Taxes and the RIAA"

The RIAA tells people that simply listening to music without paying for it is a terrible crime that people should be punished for. Yet... the RIAA getting money for non-RIAA music and not paying the deserving artists that money is perfectly legal? Damn, the RIAA lobbyists are good.

Lawmakers: We don't need music middle men any more.  Distribution, marketing and compensation aren't insurmountable hurdles to the everyman.  In fact it is becoming more and more evident that the RIAA exists only because of the laws channeling money into it, which it uses to lobby for laws that will force more income.  This is good for the RIAA, but not for the Musicians and Consumers; the hosts to the RIAA parasite.

• TechDirt: Wecbasting Non-RIAA  Music
• Daily Kos: RIAA Scam
  

Wash Label Cipher.

My dad sent me this one. There's a small clothing company in Washington state that produces apparel that's sold in France. As a result the care instructions appear in English and French. But the French readers out there get a little bonus, the last two lines aren't included in the English section:
Nous sommes desoles que notre president soit un idiot.
Nous n'avons pas vote pour lui.

Translates to:
We are sorry that our president is an idiot.
We didn't vote for him.

• About.com: Anti-bush Clothing

Did You Know That Amazon.com Sells Bats?

I did not. Did you? More importantly, do I care that Amazon sells bats? No. No I don't.

One Card To Rule Them All.

Freaking club cards.  You've got to sign up for them to get basic sale items at most stores these days.  Unless you've got the mettle to run the gambit of assuming the cashier will have one to swipe for you.  Course that's no good if you're often in the self-checkout lines.  So I've got accounts at a bunch of stores cause its just wasteful if you don't.  But I don't really carry the cards, I just punch in my phone number, cause having 10 more cards in my wallet would make a Mt. Fuji in my back pocket. 

But wait.  Look at justoneclubcard.com . They let you type in your bar code number and store name and put up to 8 tags on the front and back of one card.  Awesome.  I saw a lifehack a while ago about cutting and taping your cards into one master card, but this is even better.  I'd even pay a small fee if they'd send me a laminated version in the mail.  As it is you print out the sheet and are left to your own devices.  Do you have any laminating devices?

• Lifehacker: Slim Your Wallet

Halve Starbucks Trash.

I hate lots of things, but Starbucks is always pretty high up there.  Its freaking bean water, people.  Calm down.  But if you must get you chemical addiction on at this painfully ubiquitous chain, take GreenDimes' advice and save your cup.  Its only 50 cents for a refill, which is nice.  But if you'd use every cup you get just twice we could halve the number of cups we throw away.  Go ahead, make a difference.  And if you really love the earth, you'll snag that stranger's cup before he gets over to the trash with it.

Course, the refill price for a travel mug is only ten cents off, which makes you think this is some kind of loophole.  And it probably is, but its Starbucks' own fault for not encouraging responsible consumption outright.

• I Give A Dime: Save A Cup, Save A Buck

Don't Nag Me About Putting Beer On My Cereal.

I keep telling you, the Japanese are ten years ahead of us. They've got solutions for problems that we haven't even heard of yet. Like, what do you do when people stop drinking milk? Make beer out of it. Brilliant!

A crafty brewer came up with this solution after last years massive milk surplus. I guess its better than pouring it down the drain. And people say we're the land of excess. Oh wait, we burn food, which making alcohol out of it seems pretty reasonable. Back on top, baby!

Anyway, you're probably not going to see this too soon, right now sales are restricted to six liquor stores in Nakashibetsu, Japan. So unless you've got a serious jonesin for a fruity low-malt milk derivative, you're stuck just dreaming about calcium bed-spins.

• Japan Probe: Milk+Beer= Bilk

Is Your Commute A Blur?

I don't usually read billboards. And when I do they're stupid; with a few exceptions. This is a neat idea from Ford. The "board" is actually a semi-transparent resin that blurs the image behind it. So no, that's not just a picture of the landscape, its real.

Jalopnik: New Ford Billboard to Further Confuse Drunk Drivers

Are You A Change Guy?

I am not. That is, whenever I have change it either falls out of my pockets or goes into a drawer full of change at the end of the day. Now, granted I don't use cash very much so its not that big a problem, and I don't really mind having a drawer full of change. But I just bought my lunch with exact change and I kinda liked it. So I think I'm gonna make an effort to carry 99 cents around with me whenever I can. Course the bums will probably hear me coming from a block away but that's the price of being prepared. Just remember: 4,3,2,1.

4 pennies
3 quarters
2 nickles
1 dime

• All things Marked

How Much Do I Pay For Ads?

I've got internet on my phone. Its that kind that you connect up and use your minutes for god-awful-slow data transfer on a tiny and crippled browser. It sucks, but I can check my gmail, find a movie time, or if I'm crafty directions to somewhere. The start page is Verizon's half page add and news I don't care about page that I have to wait for before I can type in a url and get the hell out of there. That's my experience with mobile adds, so you can understand why I'm not pumped up about Yahoo! coming up with mobile ads. I don't have enough screen space and bandwidth to support that crap. Oh and you're not supplementing my connection charge (granted I'd probably be using their service, but google doesn't have adds so I'll just stick with them) so you can get lost. Again.

DownloadSquad: Yahoo! mobile phone ads coming soon