Fast and Philanthropic.

Two weeks ago I had my first test drive. I guess that's long enough ago for this to be funny now. This was no ordinary drive, it was part of BMW's ultimate drive in partnership with the Susan G Komen foundation. Which means that for every mile you drive, they donate a dollar to the breast cancer charity.

Maybe my expectations were unreasonable, but I figured they'd give me the keys and tell me to come back in an hour. After all, the sign ups were in hourly increments. Not so. They had a 17.2 mile route mapped out, so there was no hour long cruise. But on the up-side that meant you got to take out more than one car. I imagine they let most people take out as many as they're interested in; after all its an advertisement.

I'd signed up for the 325Ci but there was a Z4 sitting there when I arrived, so I jumped in that one first. First impression: that car is small. My second impression: that car is tiny. I know I say I like small cars, but my civic seems roomy compared to that shoe box. The mirrors seemed like they would hit me in the head and I had to slouch severely to see through the windshield. I don't know what I would have done if the top was up. So basically I was very disoriented for a few minutes, but finally got used to the size and figured out the paddle shifting.

Paddle shifting is stupid. All it helped do was distract me from the road while I tried to figure out what gear I was in. Anyway, I proceeded along the route following the laminated directions and praying they didn't blow out of the car.

I got stuck behind a maintenance truck and the cars began to pile up behind me. A 5 series. An X5. Another Z4. A 7 series. All with the pink logos and impatient looking drivers waiting for this truck to get the hell out of the way. Finally he turned off and we got some driving done. There was a nice little back road with twists and weaves and bobs; perfect for carving some esses.

I got the distinct feeling that I was on the old time car ride at Hershey Park. (The big numbered decals on the cars probably helped with the illusion.) You know that one with the gas powered cars on a rail so you can't drive off? Bumper to bumper cause that one kid in front has a busted ass car that goes half as fast as everyone else's. Not that my car was busted, but this was my first time on the route and I had no idea where the next turn was.

Even at our (what I'd call) leisurely pace we came upon an old maroon VW rabbit who was flying along at oh... 15 miles an hour. It was grueling. Finally he slowed and turned right. I hit the paddle twice, down shifted and put some horses on the road. As I rounded the next bend I glanced in the rear view. The five series is behind me but moving very slowly and I see the 7 series as it round the corner and slips out of view. Shit. That was Lime Kiln road, wasn't it? I hit the brakes as the 5 ducks into a driveway. I rev up the road till the next one and pull in to turn around. I got back to Lime Kiln pretty quick and felt the difference in rear wheel drive as I rounded the corner. Now I was at the end of the line, which was fine with me. I didn't need to set the pace or find the route. We hit the highway after a couple minutes more and zipped back down to the dealer at, lets say, more than the posted speed limit. It was kinda neat; a caravan of BMWs painted with pink logos moving amongst the normal traffic.

Next I waited for my 325Ci. I liked that car way better. I could sit in it and not feel freakishly huge. Plus I felt like it had more pickup than the Z4, despite its higher weight. The same guy who was in the 5 series behind me last time was in a 6 series this time. The two of us proceeded through the loop and didn't get stuck behind anyone for very long this time. Rounded Lime Kiln road like a pro, hit the highway, and pulled into the lot. An event organizer walked over.

"Hello Sir."
"Hi."
"We got a call from the police about the speed you were traveling."
"Really?" (which I'm hoping came off as "Really? Was I going too fast?" and not "Really? I didn't see any cops.")
"Unfortunately we're not going to be able to let you out any more today."

Yes, I was asked to stop participating in a cancer charity. Not that I wasn't going faster than they'd have liked, but I just sucks that we were the only two that got ratted on. But I drove the two cars I wanted to so I didn't really feel shorted; its just a little embarrassing. Plus those usual fear-of-authority thoughts rolled around in the back of my head. "The cops? ...are they... coming here?" and "So... are you going to tell them who was driving number 5? Should I expect mail?" I don't think any of that went down, it was more like a bartender cutting off that really drunk dude. He can't give you any more right now, but he really hopes you come back tomorrow with a bunch of your friends.